Life through my eyes......
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
This morning I awoke after a two hour conversation with R feeling somewhat relieved and somewhat depressed...so I did what I always do when I feel a state of confusion about what I'm about to do..I called my mommie.
Now if you've been "reading" me for a while or know me then you know my mommie is a minister and my daddy is a deacon so church is something that I've known all my life. I'm of course not where I want to be in that area but that doesn't mean that I dont love the Lord and take into consideration what my parents have taught me in my life decisions....that also doesn't mean that I do what they say..I as do they understand that I have to live my own life, making my own mistakes and doing things so that my life can turn out how it's gonna turn out.
So anyway I called my mommie cause I've been feeling for the last couple of weeks I've been living a double life. On the outside I act one way and others see one thing but if you really know me like I know me..you know that I'm crying and fighting all the while the smile is on my face. Hun and I have been at each others necks since this house thing..I've never sugar coated anything that goes on with us on this blog or to anyone that who knows that I'm with him. But that doesn't mean I've always been honest...now please understand as you read what I'm typing that what's going on inside of me is wayyyy worse than what you can say and trust me I've probably already said it to myself....so dont then again you can do what you want....but I rarely get too personal on this blog but today I need to write and get it out cause that's how I know I am going to act on what I'm saying..if I see it in writing.
Back to the story: We've been going back and forth about living together. About a month ago he said either I'm moving in with him or we're over (not those words exactly but that's how it went down) Now mind you when he asked me to move in with him, I was still a lil indifferent to it, but I reminded myself that I always said I would never live with a man before I got married...I compromise on something my parents taught me but I've said that's something I wouldn't do and here I was about to do it. So anyway I went on ahead with planning to move in with him, while all along having this battle within myself, pointing out the good that would come from it, not noticing the bad or pretending that there would be no bad. Little things that he would say I'd keep it moving of course after I'd said something but never making it a big deal.
Fast forward to this past weekend. Roomie and I headed to this All White Affair in Crystal City with R (who I have been dating all this time...I know I'm a horrible person). Hun knows of him as my friend not that we've gone to the movies the other weekend and that R took me to the park to walk and talk. So we go to the affair hang out with R, to make a long story short I go home with R. Stay there the next morning and went to his moms house to eat dinner. Last night I talked to R about all this and I told him about Hun giving me an ultimatum and me not knowing what to do and how I am damaging him (Hun) for the next woman who comes along because I'm unsure of wanting to live with him. I mean the man has told me he loves me...how do you go from that to saying I dont wanna be with you..the man is gonna kill me. So in talking to my mom this morning she (being the Christian woman she is) said that this internal battle I'm going through is the devil. God is about peace and if I feel like I'm fighting against myself (the flesh) then I dont need to do whatever it is that I'm doing. However she also said do what you think you need to do, not what me and your dad want you to do, but I think you should continue living with Roomie.
I told R that I feel like Hun is a place holder for when he's not around he said maybe some people are suppose to be that until you find who you're suppose to be with. He's not advocating me being with him or Hun, he's just saying. I told him but I would hate that I'm doing this to him and he hates me in the morning (to which my mom replied well life is life and he will eventually have to get over the hurt as will you). I know this but I would hate someone soooo much after that, I dont know what I would do. I dont want to ever be that way to someone but do I continue to fake like I'm ok with moving in with him, then do it and my heart not be in it...or continue to hang out with R (that would have to stop all together, but truthfully I dont want it to). The reality of it is, that if R said he wanted to be with me I'd drop Hun in a heartbeat...when I said that out loud yesterday I busted out crying. I cried this morning when I woke up, because I love Hun soooo much but I'm hurting him sooo much.
The later part of last week I told Hun that our leasing office wanted us to give them 30days notice we thought it was rolling meaning if we told them Aug 15th we could move out Set 15th. They dont do it that way, they only take notices on the first which means that we give notice Sept 1st and if I moved in with Hun I wouldn't move in till Oct or the end of Sept when he thougth I was moving in at the beginning of Sept. He had a fit...at first he didnt' say anything then Sat morning after he got home from work we talked and he said that he thought I was insulting his intelligence cause the story sounded that made up. He said I was being nonchalant about it, like I didnt care about moving in with him..I put roomie on the phone so she could tell him what I said, cause I guess if he heard it from someone else he would think it was real. He talked to her, said he was confused when he got back on the phone with me abotu everything..I took that as he didnt know whether he wanted to be with me. He asks to call me back later and he does going on to say that if he lived there he would do this this and this...and I'm like well we aren't you the reality is either we stay here or we leave that's it. But he feels like I'm just telling him what to do...he's gonna have to work two of his jobs to pay the mortgage by himself....I get that...but if everything I say is gonna turn into you wondering if I'm being truthful with you...why would you wanna be with me. He said he just thought the story sounded weird and he wasnt gonna be naive and believe that just cause I'm his girl I wouldn't lie to him. To be honest I dont lie to him...even when it comes to R...I dont say everything he knows of R as my friend but when it comes to me living with him I am 100% honest not that it makes it any better. I've told him from the beginning that I was scared but as the roomie says we all have to grow up and move on..that's what I was going to do. But I thought about it....he gave me an ultimatum...he doesn't understand that I'm scared.....to which my mom replied well if he says he loves you and you need time and he wont give you that he's not for you baby. A real man would understand how you feel and either go with it or move on.
Truth is Roomie is the only one other than me who knows both sides..she knows when I'm hanging out with R she knows when I'm hanging out with Hun. She sees it all and I value her opinion so sometimes I talk to her about what's going on...she says that she thinks that I want to be with R and Hun is just there to distract me cause if I really wanted to let go of R then I would have as soon ast I started dating Hun. Sad part is I know what she's saying is right...when I had a BF in college I didn't take numbers and we had a long distance relationship. If I wasn't with him, I was content in being alone, but I told R that if I'm not chilling with him, I feel like I need something to distract me so I hang out with Hun....sad and I'm horrible..you telling me that isn't gonna make me feel better.....so great.
Last night R and I had one of the deepest conversations about what we're doing. We both agreed that before it was different going to the beach changed all that. After we came back from the beach took what we were doing to a WHOLE NOTHER level. It got weird, we both agreed that we deal with other folks to draw our attention from each other because we are scared of what could be. As I was talking to him on the phone I realized that Hun was suppose to call me back...and I didnt even worry about it. That's so unlike me.....a good friend of mine broke up with his gf this past weekend and I asked him did he feel like he wasted time (they were together 7 years) he said no they just felt like they become better friends than lovers...and I dont want to do that to Hun..I dont wanna live with him and not give him 100%. That's not fair to him or me or whoever.
I need some time to not make rush decision...I need to talk to Hun....tell him how I feel really and whatever goes down goes down. I cant worry about him and him getting over me...if that's what is suppose to happen. I have to be comfortable with me and my decision. As I stood on the metro this morning I was so down until Coko came on my Mp3 player and her song Endow me came on and then some man stepped on my foot..all I could do was smile and feel a sense of peace. My mother said she talked to my uncle who has been living with a woman for a minute..he keeps telling her to move out..she does then comes back..while this is going on he's been trying to get this house...they kept denying him...when he finally got her to leave and not take her back into his house...he got the house. So in other words my mom said God always has something awaiting for us after we finish battling....we just have to be strong. She went on to say I know who I am, I know whose I am....I'm a strong woman and any man that wants to be with me should never make me feel guilty about wanting to do things a certain way. So as my mommie talked with me and then prayed with me for peace and understanding I became a little calmer, only because I know what I have to do and a little apprehensive cause I know Hun might blow up. She said why not just stay there with roomie and just go to school and move out without feeling guilty the way you wanna move out..when your getting married. Dont compromise baby cause if you do it now it's only gonna get worse. Gotta love moms I tell ya.
I might be MIA for a couple days, might not....at this moment my stomach hurts and my eyes are red. At work wanting to be curled up in my bed is an understatement I wish I could crawl into a hole (like bears do in the winter) until this is all over and come out when the sun is shining. I know I cant do that, I'm gonna have to face this head on...tears and all.....so I'm off to handle my business.
Keep me in your prayers (you're always in mine)