Life through my eyes......
Monday, August 20, 2007
The Reality of it all
The reality of it all is that yes I'm partially to blame for how this all went down, but he has yet to own up to anything. I should have stuck to my guns in the beginning when I first felt nervous and perhaps this all wouldn't have occurred like it did. He should have bought something he could afford on his own in case this or something else had occurred.
The reality is..that you live and you learn...you experience joy and pain and you can't fully say that you've lived life I think until you've dealt with it all
I came home everyday last week and got in the bed. Slept till about 10 or 11, got up and talked to R. He listened as he always does. Then he gave it to me straight no chaser. He's been content with how things have been going, not saying that he hasn't thought of being with me, but work and his son take up lots of his time....and he's always been fine with us hanging out when time allows...meaning when he hangs out it's with me..he goes to the movies with me and if he does those things without me its usually alone. I was the one that wasn't content with that...I was the one that felt like just because he wasn't there 24/7 he didn't care....I was the one dating other people when he clearly wasn't. He didn't talk down to me, he made me think. If I really wanted to be with him, how come I wasn't content with just working and chilling (without other guys) when he was at work or with his son. I couldn't answer it at first then I told him that I was afraid that after all this time someone else would come along so in a sense I was trying to protect myself and in the process I fell for Hun, which didn't make this whole process easier. R says that he doesn't want to jump right into something with me after this and I agree. So I'm not dating..I'm evaluating. School starts on Wed and I dont need anything or anyone distracting me from all of that. If I hang out with R then I do, if not then I'm content just chilling with myself. I created this bed and now I have to lie in it.
The harsh reality is that Hun says he couldnt' bear to see me last week, he was in shock, he doesn't understand and that I should do what I want and not wait for him. I was standing out side the metro station about to go home, ready to bawl my eyes out. I held it in of course, thought about what that really meant and swallowed it. If he really loved me like he said, he'd respect it, yes he'd be mad but he'd respect it and hold down the bills till I was ready to move in..which would mean he was ready to marry me. Him making me feel guilty about the situation was a form of manipulation which was working for a second then I thought about it..I'd only be moving in to save his feelings..while all along killing myself on the inside. I'd be living a lie and I couldn't do that...so I talked to my girls (in person and via email) and the many other people whose opinion I value and everyone and I mean EVERYONE told me that I did what I thought was right and he shouldn't make me feel guilty. Of course Mommie had her piece to say...quoting scriptures and the like and that's what I love about her..she listens just when I need her to then gives me the Word of God to back it up. It's who she is and I love her for it. She prayed with me, told me that it's ok to cry and that he would soon realize what a great mistake he was making in letting me go.
I still haven't talked to him...it's been almost a week. I wonder what we would have been doing or talking about if I hadn't talked to him last week. I asked him if him loving me was conditional on me moving in..he tried to say that no it wasn't but he loves himself to..and I guess that meant letting me go.
Friday after work I picked up the roomie we talked about it all, I told her that what if I did move in with Hun and just live a lie..to save his feelings..I already knew the answer (I couldnt' do it) but she asked me if I'd really be happy, how does R make me feel and if I couldn't let go of R before what makes me think I am ready to let him go if I moved in with Hun. Truth is R has made me smile for the last 3 years, he gives it to me straight whether I like it or not. He calls me his sunshine cause we have a no stress policy. We say what we gotta say to one another and then we move on..no hard feelings. I love him to death and I care about him and who goes on his life....because I never really let myself do that without involving others in the picture confusion crept in. So this time around I'm focusing on Honey..which means school and work. During the conversation that I had with R he told me that he's always wanted to make sure that I accomplish everything that Ive told him I want to do..go to and finish school and get another job and he's right. He always asks me how my applications were going and was I ready for it, did I need help with anything. He and I both know that my focus will be on that so if time is left for he and I then that's great, he says he's always in my corner and that makes me love him even more.
Funny thing is this weekend I hung out with him...we went to the gun range (which was an experience in itself) saw Rush Hour 3 (which was aight but not all that) and the Bourne Ultimatum (which was great), while taking in dinner on sat night. Other than the weekend we hung out in Myrtle we've never done that before. We agreed that it will be along time before we can do that again....we need to take things a WHOLE lot slower...so that if we are ever ready to be with one another then we know that we're both ready.
The reality of the situation is roomie asked me what I missed about Hun.....and it made me cry all over again. I had to take his pic down off my comp and my desk. I couldn't look at his smile, his eyes without thinking about he would fake moke me, hold me as we slept or reach out for me while he was on the phone. I can't help but think that it was all a lie, I mean how can you spend all this time with someone and then let them go. But sometimes the reality of life is that perhaps it just wasnt' meant to be. This weekend yes I hung out with R, but I wanted Hun to call me, text me, ask where I was....I missed him. We've talked and agreed to meet up after work...we'll see.
So if I'm here one day and not here for a few..dont worry. I'm fine, just trying to get a handle on somethings....cause the reality of it all is that it hurts like hell when your heart is broken.
p.s. clearly someone got out of hand on the comments last time so I was going to turn on the comment moderator but we'll let em slide this time lol (cause clearly I dont know them)