Life through my eyes......
Monday, August 20, 2007
The Reality of it all
Is that I miss him. I miss him so much that my heart hurts, but what's done is done..he said what he had to said and that's that.
The reality of it all is that yes I'm partially to blame for how this all went down, but he has yet to own up to anything. I should have stuck to my guns in the beginning when I first felt nervous and perhaps this all wouldn't have occurred like it did. He should have bought something he could afford on his own in case this or something else had occurred.
The reality is..that you live and you learn...you experience joy and pain and you can't fully say that you've lived life I think until you've dealt with it all
I came home everyday last week and got in the bed. Slept till about 10 or 11, got up and talked to R. He listened as he always does. Then he gave it to me straight no chaser. He's been content with how things have been going, not saying that he hasn't thought of being with me, but work and his son take up lots of his time....and he's always been fine with us hanging out when time allows...meaning when he hangs out it's with me..he goes to the movies with me and if he does those things without me its usually alone. I was the one that wasn't content with that...I was the one that felt like just because he wasn't there 24/7 he didn't care....I was the one dating other people when he clearly wasn't. He didn't talk down to me, he made me think. If I really wanted to be with him, how come I wasn't content with just working and chilling (without other guys) when he was at work or with his son. I couldn't answer it at first then I told him that I was afraid that after all this time someone else would come along so in a sense I was trying to protect myself and in the process I fell for Hun, which didn't make this whole process easier. R says that he doesn't want to jump right into something with me after this and I agree. So I'm not dating..I'm evaluating. School starts on Wed and I dont need anything or anyone distracting me from all of that. If I hang out with R then I do, if not then I'm content just chilling with myself. I created this bed and now I have to lie in it.
The harsh reality is that Hun says he couldnt' bear to see me last week, he was in shock, he doesn't understand and that I should do what I want and not wait for him. I was standing out side the metro station about to go home, ready to bawl my eyes out. I held it in of course, thought about what that really meant and swallowed it. If he really loved me like he said, he'd respect it, yes he'd be mad but he'd respect it and hold down the bills till I was ready to move in..which would mean he was ready to marry me. Him making me feel guilty about the situation was a form of manipulation which was working for a second then I thought about it..I'd only be moving in to save his feelings..while all along killing myself on the inside. I'd be living a lie and I couldn't do that...so I talked to my girls (in person and via email) and the many other people whose opinion I value and everyone and I mean EVERYONE told me that I did what I thought was right and he shouldn't make me feel guilty. Of course Mommie had her piece to say...quoting scriptures and the like and that's what I love about her..she listens just when I need her to then gives me the Word of God to back it up. It's who she is and I love her for it. She prayed with me, told me that it's ok to cry and that he would soon realize what a great mistake he was making in letting me go.
I still haven't talked to him...it's been almost a week. I wonder what we would have been doing or talking about if I hadn't talked to him last week. I asked him if him loving me was conditional on me moving in..he tried to say that no it wasn't but he loves himself to..and I guess that meant letting me go.
Friday after work I picked up the roomie we talked about it all, I told her that what if I did move in with Hun and just live a lie..to save his feelings..I already knew the answer (I couldnt' do it) but she asked me if I'd really be happy, how does R make me feel and if I couldn't let go of R before what makes me think I am ready to let him go if I moved in with Hun. Truth is R has made me smile for the last 3 years, he gives it to me straight whether I like it or not. He calls me his sunshine cause we have a no stress policy. We say what we gotta say to one another and then we move on..no hard feelings. I love him to death and I care about him and who goes on his life....because I never really let myself do that without involving others in the picture confusion crept in. So this time around I'm focusing on Honey..which means school and work. During the conversation that I had with R he told me that he's always wanted to make sure that I accomplish everything that Ive told him I want to do..go to and finish school and get another job and he's right. He always asks me how my applications were going and was I ready for it, did I need help with anything. He and I both know that my focus will be on that so if time is left for he and I then that's great, he says he's always in my corner and that makes me love him even more.
Funny thing is this weekend I hung out with him...we went to the gun range (which was an experience in itself) saw Rush Hour 3 (which was aight but not all that) and the Bourne Ultimatum (which was great), while taking in dinner on sat night. Other than the weekend we hung out in Myrtle we've never done that before. We agreed that it will be along time before we can do that again....we need to take things a WHOLE lot slower...so that if we are ever ready to be with one another then we know that we're both ready.
The reality of the situation is roomie asked me what I missed about Hun.....and it made me cry all over again. I had to take his pic down off my comp and my desk. I couldn't look at his smile, his eyes without thinking about he would fake moke me, hold me as we slept or reach out for me while he was on the phone. I can't help but think that it was all a lie, I mean how can you spend all this time with someone and then let them go. But sometimes the reality of life is that perhaps it just wasnt' meant to be. This weekend yes I hung out with R, but I wanted Hun to call me, text me, ask where I was....I missed him. We've talked and agreed to meet up after work...we'll see.
So if I'm here one day and not here for a few..dont worry. I'm fine, just trying to get a handle on somethings....cause the reality of it all is that it hurts like hell when your heart is broken.
p.s. clearly someone got out of hand on the comments last time so I was going to turn on the comment moderator but we'll let em slide this time lol (cause clearly I dont know them)
posted@11:46am
The reality of it all is that yes I'm partially to blame for how this all went down, but he has yet to own up to anything. I should have stuck to my guns in the beginning when I first felt nervous and perhaps this all wouldn't have occurred like it did. He should have bought something he could afford on his own in case this or something else had occurred.
The reality is..that you live and you learn...you experience joy and pain and you can't fully say that you've lived life I think until you've dealt with it all
I came home everyday last week and got in the bed. Slept till about 10 or 11, got up and talked to R. He listened as he always does. Then he gave it to me straight no chaser. He's been content with how things have been going, not saying that he hasn't thought of being with me, but work and his son take up lots of his time....and he's always been fine with us hanging out when time allows...meaning when he hangs out it's with me..he goes to the movies with me and if he does those things without me its usually alone. I was the one that wasn't content with that...I was the one that felt like just because he wasn't there 24/7 he didn't care....I was the one dating other people when he clearly wasn't. He didn't talk down to me, he made me think. If I really wanted to be with him, how come I wasn't content with just working and chilling (without other guys) when he was at work or with his son. I couldn't answer it at first then I told him that I was afraid that after all this time someone else would come along so in a sense I was trying to protect myself and in the process I fell for Hun, which didn't make this whole process easier. R says that he doesn't want to jump right into something with me after this and I agree. So I'm not dating..I'm evaluating. School starts on Wed and I dont need anything or anyone distracting me from all of that. If I hang out with R then I do, if not then I'm content just chilling with myself. I created this bed and now I have to lie in it.
The harsh reality is that Hun says he couldnt' bear to see me last week, he was in shock, he doesn't understand and that I should do what I want and not wait for him. I was standing out side the metro station about to go home, ready to bawl my eyes out. I held it in of course, thought about what that really meant and swallowed it. If he really loved me like he said, he'd respect it, yes he'd be mad but he'd respect it and hold down the bills till I was ready to move in..which would mean he was ready to marry me. Him making me feel guilty about the situation was a form of manipulation which was working for a second then I thought about it..I'd only be moving in to save his feelings..while all along killing myself on the inside. I'd be living a lie and I couldn't do that...so I talked to my girls (in person and via email) and the many other people whose opinion I value and everyone and I mean EVERYONE told me that I did what I thought was right and he shouldn't make me feel guilty. Of course Mommie had her piece to say...quoting scriptures and the like and that's what I love about her..she listens just when I need her to then gives me the Word of God to back it up. It's who she is and I love her for it. She prayed with me, told me that it's ok to cry and that he would soon realize what a great mistake he was making in letting me go.
I still haven't talked to him...it's been almost a week. I wonder what we would have been doing or talking about if I hadn't talked to him last week. I asked him if him loving me was conditional on me moving in..he tried to say that no it wasn't but he loves himself to..and I guess that meant letting me go.
Friday after work I picked up the roomie we talked about it all, I told her that what if I did move in with Hun and just live a lie..to save his feelings..I already knew the answer (I couldnt' do it) but she asked me if I'd really be happy, how does R make me feel and if I couldn't let go of R before what makes me think I am ready to let him go if I moved in with Hun. Truth is R has made me smile for the last 3 years, he gives it to me straight whether I like it or not. He calls me his sunshine cause we have a no stress policy. We say what we gotta say to one another and then we move on..no hard feelings. I love him to death and I care about him and who goes on his life....because I never really let myself do that without involving others in the picture confusion crept in. So this time around I'm focusing on Honey..which means school and work. During the conversation that I had with R he told me that he's always wanted to make sure that I accomplish everything that Ive told him I want to do..go to and finish school and get another job and he's right. He always asks me how my applications were going and was I ready for it, did I need help with anything. He and I both know that my focus will be on that so if time is left for he and I then that's great, he says he's always in my corner and that makes me love him even more.
Funny thing is this weekend I hung out with him...we went to the gun range (which was an experience in itself) saw Rush Hour 3 (which was aight but not all that) and the Bourne Ultimatum (which was great), while taking in dinner on sat night. Other than the weekend we hung out in Myrtle we've never done that before. We agreed that it will be along time before we can do that again....we need to take things a WHOLE lot slower...so that if we are ever ready to be with one another then we know that we're both ready.
The reality of the situation is roomie asked me what I missed about Hun.....and it made me cry all over again. I had to take his pic down off my comp and my desk. I couldn't look at his smile, his eyes without thinking about he would fake moke me, hold me as we slept or reach out for me while he was on the phone. I can't help but think that it was all a lie, I mean how can you spend all this time with someone and then let them go. But sometimes the reality of life is that perhaps it just wasnt' meant to be. This weekend yes I hung out with R, but I wanted Hun to call me, text me, ask where I was....I missed him. We've talked and agreed to meet up after work...we'll see.
So if I'm here one day and not here for a few..dont worry. I'm fine, just trying to get a handle on somethings....cause the reality of it all is that it hurts like hell when your heart is broken.
p.s. clearly someone got out of hand on the comments last time so I was going to turn on the comment moderator but we'll let em slide this time lol (cause clearly I dont know them)
posted@11:46am
posted by Ms.Honey at 8:23 AM
29 Comments:
First off (((HUUUGGGSSS))) an secondly, in time things will all work themselves out...you taking the step to take care of honey is the BEST thing for you to do!
it will all work through, the pain will subside, although it will take time...but self evalution will work best for you...
you WILL get through it!
peace and hugs...
TC...Thanks sweetie, I'm wayy better than last week. Doing me is what I need to do and whatever is meant for me is meant for me.
**Big hugs** I know you have to go through this period of hurt and confusion, but trust that on the other side you will be better for it.
Self-evaluation is what we owe ourselves more often than not, and I'm so glad, that although it hurts, you were able to experience this need for self-reflection before things got more complicated and you ended up in a situation you may have regretted further.
You are a good person, and I know it will all work out for YOU Ms. Honey. **more hugs**!!
I'll keep you in my prayers Honey.
You did what was right. You cannot start off a relationship.. a real relationship with a lie. It just eats away at you and evolves into a bigger problem So yeah.. you can kick, scream, cry and shout if you feel the need..let it out.. you're human but keep in mind and never forget that He holds everything in His hands... when it's time He'll pick you up, dry your eyes and dust you off.
Be strong girl.. I see it in you.
Tasha..thanks. Very true, what we sometimes think is for the worst is actually for our own good.
Thee..Yes he does..thank you :)
Hang in there and keep evaluating...you know yourself better than anyone!
*hugs*
Oh my goodness. What the heck was all of that on the last comment sheet? Someone went buck wild.
Honey-Libra - I had to actually pull your page up to read what in the world was going on because through google I was confused.
I have to say I've been reading you but I guess not deep enough because I never caught on.
I do agree with the person who said - you can't start anything based on a lie. The whole moving is not what you want to do, so don't be coerced into doing it.
Don't make any decisions until you go through the natural process associated with grieving and change. If no one can respect that - then you got your answers right there.
I wish you all the best with that one.
www.pamalicious.com
by the way - what in sam hell was dude on in the Internal Battle Thread, lol
Hey there
1st--about crazy people commenting whole essays--see that little trashcan icon?
2nd--You have really stepped into a brave new world. I am in a state of shock just reading your blog. But you're grown and that's what grown folks do--the really hard stuff. You did the best thing, meaning being honest. Hun will thank you later.
I read your blog daily, and I'm going through the same thing but you are so much stronger than me I just can't let the man go. As everyone else has said trust your gut.
P.S. did you read the entire comment from that annoymous person?
What was up with that!!
Wow...I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.
I just wanted to swing by and say that I hope things get better for you Honey :-)
(((((((((((((((HUGE HUG)))))))))))))))
Hi Honey, sharing something so painful...I am grateful. The pain, I know its unbearable. You are a strong person and you know whats right for YOU. We live and we learn, you said it all.
Love you my blogsister.
(((((((HUGS))))))
You miss him a lot more right now because the calls, texts, etc, where what you were used to. As time moves on, there will be other things that give you that warm fuzzy feeling as well. :-) The end of relationships are hard and you will probably always have that place for him in your heart...maybe not forever but for awhile. However, you did what was best for Honey-Libra and at the end of the day that's all you could ever want or need.
It gets easier....I promise.
Thanks everyone..for some odd reason I cant see that trash can icon LOL or I would have deleted it that person was on some weird ISH LOL
Thanks for listening and reading..I appreciate it.
Honey - Give yourself as much time as you need. It'll take time, but eventually the pain will subside.
Sending you mental HUGS!!
Girl my heart goes out to you. I KNOW how bad a broken hear is. The aching, the lonliness, the wanting, the need, the void, the overwhelming pain, the dred. I'm giving you the biggest hug ever...((((HUG)))))
Looking into the eyes of ANOTHER, but wanted the love from the OTHER. be true to yourself at any cost because trusting in Man will dissapoint you everytime, so receive those prayers and scriptures and adapt them to your life... Pray...because in the end it is all about you.
((((hugs))))
:) smiling and hugging you.. it will WORK itself out..
Time.. that's all you need.. *now get to school supply shopping* LOL
Relationships suck. They really do but I'm glad that you're taking this time to concentrate on YOU. Be honest with yourself. Be patient. Pray. You will find clarity. I promise you.
Be strong. Focus on school and let everything else fall into place.
Gurl, you hit it right on the head- you live and you learn. And the best part is, eventually the hurt goes away. Although, going through it aint no walk in the park!..lol
Honey honey honey...life is learning....BUT what a sister gotta do to get on ya blogroll lol lmao
oh, i thought i'd made a comment at the last post. anyway, my heart goes out to you. i agree w/ what others said: you did what was best for you. everything will come out just fine. these things just take time. but, you know that. :-)
I'm way late to the party. But I so understand what you're going through.
Many times I ignored my gut for the sake of 'his' feelings, or because I thought it was the right thing and I paid dearly for it.
Not that you need another co-sign, but you've made the right decision. You're in my prayers.
Damn.
That was my first reaction. But you have to do what makes you happy. Dont make decisions that makes R happy and dont make decisions only to make Hun happy. You have to do things to make you happy.
big hugs homie. epsi is absolutely right and everyone else. do what's right for you. maybe it wasn't a lie but you guys just have different ideas of what love means. far better for you to reach this point now than further down the line.
It sounds like you don't know know who or what you want right now. You will figure it out. You have faith. Big hugs.
This is why relationship turmoil is the worst kind of turmoil EVER.
Ain't no troubles like man troubles.
I sympathize and I think you're behaving in a mature manner and that is to be commended.
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