Life through my eyes......
Thursday, April 13, 2006
WOW!! To say that I missed blogging would be somewhat of an understatement, and yes I was still reading others blogs and commenting (so what) lol.
So what did I learn in my time away...lol. Not a dang on thing other than I need to write it helps me deal with things and I'm better at dealing with things when I write about them. Well that's not all the truth I also learned that I'm confused.
Now this might be a long one but oh well if you dont' want to read it don't..or read some now and come back later (smile).
When I say I'm confused I'm talking about this whole Constant issue....that's one of the main reasons that I took a break from blogging. I felt like I was talking about him too much, which could be seen as a good thing or a bad thing..it means I do care about him to a certain extent. So for the last 3 weeks he's been out to sea (which they do every month so of course our time together is scarce) and he'll be back on Friday...I'm going home this weekend so hopefully we'll get to have a much needed face to face to get some of this out of the way. I've realized that I do care for him and if I truly care like I do....I wouldn't be talking to and dating other guys and making excuses for why I do this. Point, blank period. That's the issue and I'm dealing with it.
I say that if he spent more time with me I wouldn't need to talk to other guys...ok, so what. The fact of the matter is if he could then he probably would (now I'm assuming I could be wrong)....I'd get mad if I found out he was talking to other females the way I talk to other males....so I had a nice long conversation with myself and I said "Honey, you need to stop playing games", you're the main one that is always saying I want someone real who knows what they want and isn't about stringing people along.....it's time for you to be what you say you are and stop faking.......so as of this moment I've deleted numbers out the phone and I'm focusing on the fact that come rain come shine, long hair, short hair, dressed up or dressed down.....Constant has been in my life for 3 years and that says alot....the fact that although we have issues I or he haven't cut the other off.....cause I do that with the quickness (I will change my number and everything if I even feel like I'm tempted to talk to someone who I dislike..especially if I'm bored)
So confusion and drama will no longer play a part in my life at least if I have anything to do with it. I can't say I love someone and want to be with them and turn around and continue to date..what the heck does that say......that I have some lose nuts lol....and trust me I'll admit I have issues but not that many. So I'm admitting my issues (which is the first step), facing them and handling them grown woman style. I'm too old to be saying one thing one minute and acting another way the next......
I had a conversation with a platonic guy friend (yes those exist, lol) and he say you know what....Constant is the only guy you talk about all the time. He said ok, you be talking about other dudes but I can tell you really care about him and if you do why not stop talking to the others and if you don't care about him (I say that periodically lol, it's the emotional part of who I am) then why keep talking about it.....deal with it or move on. I was like dang...then he said what he do sweep you off your feet and I was like...ummm I dont' know what it is about him but I do now that what attracted me to him other than his lips and height was the fact that he is sooo stress free and nonchalant and now it's starting to get on my nerves especially when it comes to us discussing how we feel about one another (You know I care about you but I can't think about the future, blah blah blah) yea that's part of my issue.
How can you discuss what having a child would be like with someone but not talk about marriage...and then my friend said well maybe what you want right now is not what he wants right now (good point) he may want to be with you, but not like you want to be with him (huh) I was like ok, well what's up with the confusion statements (Kids with you would be great, I can't think about the future right now....umm kids are the future...thank you Whitney) Part of my confusion is his fault lol (there I go playing the blame game). But seriously, I'm good now the break did me some good although I did miss blogging...it's become a part of my healing sessions (Have I been listening to Oprah too much) and this weekend when and if (i hate the if) we are going to have a real talk (not a 5 min convo, I mean a real one, where somethings either come together or are ended) He sent me an email saying he would let me know when he got back they were going through a mine field (very dangerous) and that if this was the end (umm ekkk) he missed me and loved me (umm ok). It took a fear of you dying to tell me that you love me (nice) but still, I mean dang and what if he comes back and says well I thought I was dying it was the right thing to say..or I said that (yea he's said stuff before and been like huh I said that)......ah well I can't continue to worry over it....God knows the outcome and I have to pray and have faith that the best will come out of the situation.
I've also come to the realization that I have a shoe addiction!!! How can this be, oh noooo. Nah but for real I seriously need to get a grip on my shoe shopping. I bought these cute shoes from Hechts (Valerie Stevens) they were originally $100.00 why were they on sale for $10 and why did I get three pair LOL....black, white and silver.....and on top of that I bought some cute lil flats from payless and some lace up shoes (kida like diesels) to wear when I go to bike week....I've also bought some green heels that I'm gonna wear on Easter Sunday...have to find a suit...so you see...yes, I Honey Libra am addicted to shoes...where's the closest SSA (Shoe Shoppers Anonymous) meeting. When I get married me and my husband are seriously not going to be able to share a closet unless it's huge and of course that might be too huge......lol
I have tomorrow off.....YES!!! I was going to get my oil changed tomorrow morning and then hit the road to go home (757) and spend the weekend with the fam. But now I can't leave till afternoon cause I have a dr's appt at 1:45..I mean dang LOL..so I'm gonna see if they have cancellations so I can go in earlier. My sisters haven't seen the dog yet (he has his first vet appt on Monday) so they are all excited, we've always wanted one and I said when i moved out I was gonna get one so I guess you can say they are living through me lol. I was going to Kings Dominion on Sat but who knows my friends dad got sick so we have to reschedule but I found out they left their dad cause he was doing better and we might still be able to go..YES!!!
I'm going to Bike Week for Memorial Day..I went last year so I know what to expect. I'm excited though cause we're staying were I wanted us to stay last year but it was booked and it's not this year...the hotel is right on the strip which is great cause last year we had to walk from like 52nd street to 20th something.....ok, we didn't have to walk that everyday we got bike rides...but I mean the possibility was annoying...anyway I look forward to some fun in the sun, including a ride or two
I have an appt with the academic couselor at the school I plan on obtaining my paralegal certificate from...I was procrastinating on that.....another reason why I put the blog on pause. So I can finally register for class and get some things done that I've been saying I'm going to do for so long.
So as you can see I'm dealing with what's wrong with me (we all have issues), judge me if you like (it's human nature), but the fact of the matter is you can say what you want and I will take the good with the bad, but I'm focusing on the good from now on. Those who are negative all the time dont' get very far.
Have a great weekend