Life through my eyes......
Thursday, April 13, 2006
I'm BACK!!!!!!
WOW!! To say that I missed blogging would be somewhat of an understatement, and yes I was still reading others blogs and commenting (so what) lol.
So what did I learn in my time away...lol. Not a dang on thing other than I need to write it helps me deal with things and I'm better at dealing with things when I write about them. Well that's not all the truth I also learned that I'm confused.
Now this might be a long one but oh well if you dont' want to read it don't..or read some now and come back later (smile).
When I say I'm confused I'm talking about this whole Constant issue....that's one of the main reasons that I took a break from blogging. I felt like I was talking about him too much, which could be seen as a good thing or a bad thing..it means I do care about him to a certain extent. So for the last 3 weeks he's been out to sea (which they do every month so of course our time together is scarce) and he'll be back on Friday...I'm going home this weekend so hopefully we'll get to have a much needed face to face to get some of this out of the way. I've realized that I do care for him and if I truly care like I do....I wouldn't be talking to and dating other guys and making excuses for why I do this. Point, blank period. That's the issue and I'm dealing with it.
I say that if he spent more time with me I wouldn't need to talk to other guys...ok, so what. The fact of the matter is if he could then he probably would (now I'm assuming I could be wrong)....I'd get mad if I found out he was talking to other females the way I talk to other males....so I had a nice long conversation with myself and I said "Honey, you need to stop playing games", you're the main one that is always saying I want someone real who knows what they want and isn't about stringing people along.....it's time for you to be what you say you are and stop faking.......so as of this moment I've deleted numbers out the phone and I'm focusing on the fact that come rain come shine, long hair, short hair, dressed up or dressed down.....Constant has been in my life for 3 years and that says alot....the fact that although we have issues I or he haven't cut the other off.....cause I do that with the quickness (I will change my number and everything if I even feel like I'm tempted to talk to someone who I dislike..especially if I'm bored)
So confusion and drama will no longer play a part in my life at least if I have anything to do with it. I can't say I love someone and want to be with them and turn around and continue to date..what the heck does that say......that I have some lose nuts lol....and trust me I'll admit I have issues but not that many. So I'm admitting my issues (which is the first step), facing them and handling them grown woman style. I'm too old to be saying one thing one minute and acting another way the next......
I had a conversation with a platonic guy friend (yes those exist, lol) and he say you know what....Constant is the only guy you talk about all the time. He said ok, you be talking about other dudes but I can tell you really care about him and if you do why not stop talking to the others and if you don't care about him (I say that periodically lol, it's the emotional part of who I am) then why keep talking about it.....deal with it or move on. I was like dang...then he said what he do sweep you off your feet and I was like...ummm I dont' know what it is about him but I do now that what attracted me to him other than his lips and height was the fact that he is sooo stress free and nonchalant and now it's starting to get on my nerves especially when it comes to us discussing how we feel about one another (You know I care about you but I can't think about the future, blah blah blah) yea that's part of my issue.
How can you discuss what having a child would be like with someone but not talk about marriage...and then my friend said well maybe what you want right now is not what he wants right now (good point) he may want to be with you, but not like you want to be with him (huh) I was like ok, well what's up with the confusion statements (Kids with you would be great, I can't think about the future right now....umm kids are the future...thank you Whitney) Part of my confusion is his fault lol (there I go playing the blame game). But seriously, I'm good now the break did me some good although I did miss blogging...it's become a part of my healing sessions (Have I been listening to Oprah too much) and this weekend when and if (i hate the if) we are going to have a real talk (not a 5 min convo, I mean a real one, where somethings either come together or are ended) He sent me an email saying he would let me know when he got back they were going through a mine field (very dangerous) and that if this was the end (umm ekkk) he missed me and loved me (umm ok). It took a fear of you dying to tell me that you love me (nice) but still, I mean dang and what if he comes back and says well I thought I was dying it was the right thing to say..or I said that (yea he's said stuff before and been like huh I said that)......ah well I can't continue to worry over it....God knows the outcome and I have to pray and have faith that the best will come out of the situation.
I've also come to the realization that I have a shoe addiction!!! How can this be, oh noooo. Nah but for real I seriously need to get a grip on my shoe shopping. I bought these cute shoes from Hechts (Valerie Stevens) they were originally $100.00 why were they on sale for $10 and why did I get three pair LOL....black, white and silver.....and on top of that I bought some cute lil flats from payless and some lace up shoes (kida like diesels) to wear when I go to bike week....I've also bought some green heels that I'm gonna wear on Easter Sunday...have to find a suit...so you see...yes, I Honey Libra am addicted to shoes...where's the closest SSA (Shoe Shoppers Anonymous) meeting. When I get married me and my husband are seriously not going to be able to share a closet unless it's huge and of course that might be too huge......lol
I have tomorrow off.....YES!!! I was going to get my oil changed tomorrow morning and then hit the road to go home (757) and spend the weekend with the fam. But now I can't leave till afternoon cause I have a dr's appt at 1:45..I mean dang LOL..so I'm gonna see if they have cancellations so I can go in earlier. My sisters haven't seen the dog yet (he has his first vet appt on Monday) so they are all excited, we've always wanted one and I said when i moved out I was gonna get one so I guess you can say they are living through me lol. I was going to Kings Dominion on Sat but who knows my friends dad got sick so we have to reschedule but I found out they left their dad cause he was doing better and we might still be able to go..YES!!!
I'm going to Bike Week for Memorial Day..I went last year so I know what to expect. I'm excited though cause we're staying were I wanted us to stay last year but it was booked and it's not this year...the hotel is right on the strip which is great cause last year we had to walk from like 52nd street to 20th something.....ok, we didn't have to walk that everyday we got bike rides...but I mean the possibility was annoying...anyway I look forward to some fun in the sun, including a ride or two
I have an appt with the academic couselor at the school I plan on obtaining my paralegal certificate from...I was procrastinating on that.....another reason why I put the blog on pause. So I can finally register for class and get some things done that I've been saying I'm going to do for so long.
So as you can see I'm dealing with what's wrong with me (we all have issues), judge me if you like (it's human nature), but the fact of the matter is you can say what you want and I will take the good with the bad, but I'm focusing on the good from now on. Those who are negative all the time dont' get very far.
Have a great weekend
posted@10:01am
posted by Ms.Honey at 6:38 AM
27 Comments:
thank goodness you finally came back!
aiight, on to the real talk...sista, boo, baby girl...i really, REALLY hope you get that squared with your constant, cuz from the outside looking in, his actions paint him as the cat who is stringing you for real.
"i don't want to talk about the future", but he talks about kids? it's like he doesn't mind playing like there's a possibility but when it comes down to the actual implementation of the plan, he don't wanna do anything or commit to anything. he's into speculating, which ain't good unless you're playing the stocks.
perhaps he feels pressured. guys get really vague, to the point of saying "i'll tell you when i'm ready to", but it's totally your right to bounce if you ain't hearing what you need to hear. don't put your life on hold cuz that cat ain't stepping up to bat. you've got way too many attributes going for yourself.
i mean, the fact that you are talking to other guys got me thinking maybe you're so emotionally dissatisfied with 'constant' that you gotta go somewhere else to satisfy your needs. do not, after all this is done, get down on yourself if it doesn't work out. please DO let a brotha know where you're coming from and let him know what he's gotta do to remain in your life like that.
i'm telling you this because it frustrates me to no end watching you struggle like this, especially when it would seem he's cool with the situation the way it is.
no matter what you do, you've got my support.
nikki...girl, I have been stressing or rather dealing with this for a while and had to think about what I was doing and saying and especially how I was acting. Thank you for your support, I'm hoping that when I go home this weekend things will be ironed out to the point where I feel comfortable about what's going on with him. Implementation of what he says is something I'm having a problem with....pressure lol...he should know I haven't pressured him being that i've told him i liked him from day one and he's just now saying he cares about..i never pushed the subject cause I figure if you want to be with me you'll make moves...but dang. Anyway as you can see I could go one and I won't lol..perhaps that for another blog....
yeah...you could start a blog called "constant drama"
i know i'd read it, although i'd probably want to stick a foot in his ass for having you stressed out like this. LOL
I feel like kicking his tail too I think he could tell that from some emails I sent him while he was out to sea...cause he was like do you still love me....LOL funny anywho girl interesting I just might do that LOL...at least i know one person who would read it.....
You do have a lot going on.
I think it would be easier for me to work thru my issues blogging, that way I have all of my thoughts written out and plus I would be able to get input from my blog fam. I'm glad you are back.
Have fun this weekend.
Holla!
I am glad that you came back.
I hope you resolve your issues. Dont play with a brother's heart. We may act hard but we do have a sensitive side, especially when we care.
"i don't want to talk about the future"- He may be a little nervous. He may have been hurt before when he "thought about the future" Plus he may be unsure if you will stick around because he is not always at home. make sure you talk to him about that.
The shoe thing- I never spend a lot of money on anything except shoes. I will blow money on a nice pair of dress shoes. I may be addicted also. Lets find a meeting together.
@mrs tj....yea it's coming together
@epsilonicus....I understand that which is why I feel like I perhaps haven't made myself clear and I would never want to be the one that has tainted him if this doesn't work out....so this weekend if and when we see one another hopefully somethings will be set straight..glad i'm back as well
Wow, that was a great post. It is obvious you have done som e serious thinking and refeclting. I am so impressed with your thought process. It is a hard thing to do sometimes.
As for the talk with Constant, just speak your mind, what is in your heart. You need to focus on what it is best for you. Maybe it is him, maybe it isn't. We are here for you, sending you support.
That so freaken sucks, how can you get a deal like that. Tha only thing i can say is do what you must; and dont forget my altime favorite quote. "When you are unsure of what to do in life, do the hardest thing to do, because nine times out of ten it will be the best thing to do."
Long time, no see.
Its about time that you get things straight with Constant! If ain't mean't to be then it ain't mean't to be and if it is mean't to be then it will be. Feel me?
glad ur back!!
but yes.. if you really care about constant then you have to drop the others.. but have that talk so you know where ya'll stand!
im starting to have a shoe kick.. i never thought i would.. but hey! but i dont spend a lot of money on them.. the most i would spend is $70 (and you can find some hot shoes for a lot less.. you just gotta look)
Glad your Back!
I hope things get better with Constant. Take your time and hopefully you two can meet some where in the middle.
I and a shoe junkie!!! I've already bought 6 pairs of sandles and the weather just got warm. LOL
I'm the same way, I tend to work out things best when I write. I should be writing up a furry right now! Glad you're back :)
Welcome back! You have a lot on your mind!
I hate to hear that you are stressed, but with men, it comes with the territory. Even with the good ones!
But, It sounds to me like he doesn't know what he wants.
welcome back honey
girl....
just hold on to your faith.... things will be fine...
trust me...
F A I T H
its your invincible power... hold on to it..... its the one thing that will always be yours....something noone can takeaway...
damn it took long enough. Were you waiting for your refund check so you could pay your DSL bill?
'bout damn time...lol...welcome back
glad to have ya back hon
Kudos for going back to school and taking care of your biz! I won't comment on dude cuz you already know how to handle that whether you know it or not.
Dang girl!
I agree, you DO have alot going on. It does seem 'off' to me that he would be willing to talk about kids, but not about marriage. Shouldn't it be the other way around? I'm not saying that you can't have children before you get married, but I mean if you are actually discussing/planning it...well that just seems backwards to me.
Welcome back!
Well I agree with Nikki it does seems like he's stringing u along. I'm glad u came back. Some of the things that u go through helps me see some things in my in a diff light. I hope it all goes well and works out for u. Continue to put ur soul in the words u type. This is therapy.
damn, how'd I miss that you were back. I guess I'm late. BTW, I answered your question on my blog.
I'm glad I took the time to read this....affairs of the heart can be so tricky...you are always 2nd guessing yourself when it comes to someone you care about...what ever decisions you make, just make sure its whats best for you....
ps. I'll be in the 757 in 2 weeks....
what's up? have a good weekend.
tj
You look high...*lol* Are you?..*lol*
Cute pic with yo seductive ass eyes...I know you be killing em with them eyes girl....
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