Life through my eyes......
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Blast From the Past
I've been at this blogging thing for almost a year and at the beginning of blogging I was dealing with this guy named Green Eyes. Let's just say that things were good in the beginning and then they took a turn toward Weirdville. We hung out and chilled and were in fact becoming a regular "couple" or at least that's what I thought. Things feel apart when he brought it to my attention that I went out too much and he now viewed me as a party girl. He said that I must like the attention that I recieved when I was out there "grindin" on the dance floor. Umm, NO first of all what woman wants someone to be rubbin their penis all over them especially when they have a hard on and you know all they do is rub they don't even attempt to dance. That is not sexy, I repeat not sexy! So anyway I clarified for him even though I know I shouldn't have (perhaps deep down I love drama) when I went out and that he knew each occassion and that he would even come over after I was out with the girls...coincedentially he was out with his boys so I didn't view it as a problem....all of this came to my attention when I told him now I would not take a loan out for him (he needed it to pay his attorney, he's gettin back on the police force and was takin them to court) I told him I didn't get down like that and what not so he would have to find some other way to get that done.....he gets mad, I was like boo we ain't even had a clear discussion of what we are to one another.
After that I was the party girl he even went so far as to say "If you and your girls out and me and my friends roll up (cop friends) don't be askin me for help" I was like boo what type of partyin do you think I be doing. It ain't even that serious. So I started dealing with him in about Sept (05) and by Feb of this year I hadn't talked to him in I don't know how long and could care less. However being me and wanting to clear the air I sent him a long email back in March and we met up for lunch. He asked me what I had been up to and what not I told him..he had gotten a new car and I guess he figured that would sway my view of him..of course it didn't cause I'm not into what kind of car you drive and how much money you got and what you can do for me. That's nice and all but I need to find out if I can do all that myself..so great. So anyway to make a long story short our only source of communication as of late has been via email...because I would call him and he wouldn't return my calls...I got the point I ain't stupid so I sucked up my "hurt" feelings and got over it....chucked it up to a lesson learned. He went to Myrtle Beach and he knew I was there as well...umbeknownst to me he called me but I didn't get the message cause of course down there during that time "all circuits are busy".
Fast Forward to Last night:
It's 2am I had been in the bed since about 945 so I was wayy past R.E.M and gettin my sleep on something serious when I wake to It's going down....that's my ringtone. First thought, what the heck?! Who is callin me this late, I knew it wasn't D cause his ring is "Me and You" by Cassie (cute huh LOL....sickening I know) so I was like maybe it's Army Dude..he's been in the hospital and what not so I figured he was callin to chat although there is a one hour difference over there he still doesn't sometimes understand that just cause he can go to sleep at 4am and be aight I can't LOL. Sooo I pick up the phone and now I regret even picking it up...I have a hard time ignoring calls..unless it's someone I absolutely don't want to talk to. I see this 202 number since I've gotten a new phone I don't have all my numbers it...I ain't payin $10 for them to do it when I can let people call me and save them as they call...that shows who calls me and who shouldn't even be in phone book anymore so anyway I pick up the phone and I hear it.
"What you doing, were you sleep"
(What the hell you think) "Yea kinda I just woke up to pee"...why did I say that LOL
"Who the heck is this"
"Umm, hey..what's up"..why did we just do this part of the convo and I'm tryin to start it all over lol
"Why you calling me at 2am..are you ok" Yea I'm a considerate person
"yea I just got off work sitting in my car, something was wrong with the servers and I had to stay to fix them"
There is more meaningless conversation
"You want me to come over"
"Umm, I don't know where are you"
"Just in my car, I wanna see you"
"Aight" (damn, damn, damn) what the f*&^%& did I just do
He comes over and I regret every minute of it. He informed me that he tried callin me during memorial day weekend I told him I didn't get it. He thought I was ignoring him, I asked him is that why he came over....."yea kinda" was his answer. He said he thought about me, wanted to see how I was..still has my pic in his phone. A pic that I didn't know he had taken.....I was goin out with the girls and he was at my house....took it while I was talking. Wanted to know what happened with us and if I had a boyfriend now.
Thinking: Is D my "man". I hate trying to determine is he or isn't he. Have I come out and asked him are we together..No, should I? I don't know. It sounds so elementary to me. Truth be told D is cool, I love spending time with him...look forward to his phone calls and would love to be his "pookie" LOL, but does he feel the same. If he says that does he really mean it or is he tryin to run game. I've spent every weekend with him except for one or two since the beginning of April....and a couple of days during the week. We really need to talk about this whole "together" thing when I see him. I just don't like being unclear, then again maybe it's been made clear, he calls me boo at work and what not..that has nothin to do with it but he seems to be more available now than before. I hate overanalyzing things..then again I'd rather know than not know.
"So do you....have a man that is"
"I date, I chill that's what I do" (Is that vague or what)
He's leaving this morning and gives me a kiss on the forehead and all the while I'm thinking what the F%^%$ did you do Honey. Why the hell couldn't you just tell him to move the F^&%% on home? Why are you tryin to get caught up in him again, don't let the Green Eyes fool ya? You've proven that you can find someone way better and wayyy finer why not just tell him to not call you? Why potentially lead him on?
He saw my car was gone and asked where it was...I told him a friend had it (D used it yesterday is bringing it back tonight since his car got stolen) I didn't feel the need to clairfy even though he was like ohh you let some dude use it...I didn't say nothing. He went on to say I was carrying him...boo you carried yourself along time ago. Told me him and his boys were having a lil gatherin in DC tonight to celebrate him goin back to work and me and the girls were welcome to come....will I go? I don't know...do I want to....kinda. I want him to feel just as bad as I did....I'm not salty anymore about what went down. But apparently I haven't learned my lesson or he wouldn't have been able to talk to me that easily. I HATE this. I hate knowing what I should have done or what I should do and not doing it. I hate the fact that he's probably thinking he can be a regular now......that part I'm sure he is NOT going to be. This was a once in a lifetime break down.....it will not happen again.....NOT!!!!
I am not puttin myself through the whole aspect of seeing him, being with him knowing that he said all those things before and even went as far as to tell me that I didn't know who I was dealin with one night when we were arguing. We were arguing cause he was done chillin with his boys...I was eatin with the girls well in the drive through at Wendy's and he was on his way to my house...I told him ok, he could wait for me...he proceeded to tell me that I hung out too much and he was tired of it so I said ok and hung up he called back.....then told me not to worry about callin him back I said ok, he calls back. This went on for about a good 30 min. Finally I was like ok, dont' call me I won't call you it's over....once again a call back talkin about I like showing off and I'm gonna learn not to mess with him. Yea aight that was it I turned my phone off and went back to chillin. He called the next day apologizing but sayin that he realized that if I was gonna be his girl I couldn't go out as much as I did...once again everytime I went out with my girls he was out with his boys.....and to be honest I didn't even go out that much and if I did so what you dont' my man and if you wanted to be my man you should have made it known.
So right now I'm feeling regretful, but I do know that I could care less if he calls. He said that he bets now he will call me more than I call him...perhaps. I'll probably ignore his calls now just cause I'm being vindictive...yes I know it's childish but I don't care. He should know that he isn't my number one draft pick anymore.
D, makes me feel secure. When I'm with him he tells me how beautiful and smart I am how sweet I am to him. He hugs me, kisses me and we have a wonderful time together whether it be in or out of the bedroom (wink). Green Eyes.....I can count on one hand how many times we went out on a date.....sad but true....I'm fighting to keep my head clear. Glad I'll be away this weekend....glad I'll see D before I leave......but honestly I'm afraid of this never ending cycle of opening up to the aspect of love and getting my heart stomped on.