Life through my eyes......
Friday, January 26, 2007
What you're doing to yourself is horrible. Your potential is endless, yet you seek out negativity and pain. When I look in your eyes I see dreams that are fading....dreams that you once had that are now dimming because you can't seem to understand just how great you are. You're like a cancer...sucking dry all the love from those around you. You infest your negative energy and hurt on those who only want the best for you. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't feel physical pain becuase of what you've done to yourself and what you're doing to the two people that I love the most.
I can't even grasp where it all began. I guess I could say it started when you were small and since you were the baby everyone spoiled you...then again perhaps it came from the fact that you being the baby never got to experience what your two older sisters experienced. The nights alone, having no food for hours, sitting in a house waiting for the woman that you knew as mommy to come home and even when she is home she doesn't care about the well being of her children. I can't seem to understand why you would even want to have a part in that. You were the blessed one, you didn't even have to set foot in that house, feel that pain....yet your reliving it each time you step into the street, leaving your child behind. Yes, he's being well taken care of but do you know how much he misses you when you leave. Do you ever stop to think that when he's older he is going to remember how you were more focused on sexing a man who didn't and probably won't ever love you than to stay at home and hold him. One of the two men in your life who will always love you. Do you ever stop to think that while you are in the midst of what you probably call passion that you are slipping away in his mind?
Then again you could probably care less, your selfish...but of course so am I. That's why I can't seem to understand why. Why can't I hug you and make your pain go away? Why can't I stop time and space and help you make things better? Why can't I help you? I cry when I think about being your sister, because what good am I? You're doing what you want, you don't care so why should I? Probably because I am your sister and I know just what you can do if you set your mind to it. I know how smart you are, I know how beautiful you are. I know you want someone to love you but you have to first love yourself. I know that having someone to call your own is what you crave...I've been there. I know that you think that because she abandoned us that you have to do things that you might not want to do just to have someone stay with you. I know that you fear you will never find love. But the truth is I don't think you find love, I think love finds you. When you least expect it....when you've probably stopped believing in it.....when you might not even think it exists anymore. Yet it pops up, causing you to question the hows and whys yet not even caring because everything around you now lives and breaths love.
You have that right here. With me, with us, with your son. We will always love you, even when you fear that experiencing love will never come. But you can't experience love in it's truest form unless you love yourself. You have to stop what you're doing....because it's killing you. No, not physically (yet), but spiritually and mentally and in turn you are killing those around you. It's so hard to love someone but I guess that's the meaning of true love. Loving them and holding out even when they don't believe in themselves, fighting with them through the addiction to pain, the feelings of hate, the feelings of betrayal.
I want you to know that I'm always in your corner, you never have to worry about me not being there for you. But you must go. I'm not saying that you won't cross my mind and that I won't worry about you and how you are and what you're doing, but you have to leave. You have to learn that life isn't easy...and you can't do any and everything that you want to do and still be taken care of. Life is what you make it and right now yours is nothing. You have no focus, no drive, yet you want the world at the palm of your hands...it doesn't work that way....you can't have it your way. I hear you fuss at me and call me spoiled...truth of the matter is I don't want to be spoiled, never have wanted to be spoiled. If I were spoiled I probably wouldn't know the value of a dollar or for that matter tough love. I work for mine, I pay my bills, I put in work, I scrimp and save when there is something that I want and I suffer the consequences when I dont' have money left because I didn't save.
What you see when you look at me is just that you looking at the physical me...you don't see how I struggle, how I sometimes lay in bed at night and cry asking God to just get me through. You don't see the moments when sometimes I feel like I was 2 again waiting for my mommy to come home and love me. I bet you probably don't even know that I, your big sister has once (or twice) had sex with someone just to feel as if they wanted me. Just to feel that I was special, just to feel that I was loved. Feeling like I was trash after he left, crying behind closed eyes while he were doing what he did. Telling myself that I didn't want it to happen yet allowing it to happen just because he was there with me at the moment, at that time and I thought it meant something. I thought it meant he would stay and love me...when i didn't even like him to be honest. Finding out that it meant nothing...because if it did then he'd be here now.
You are like me in so many ways yet so unlike me that it scares me. If someone truly knew us they could point out the similarities. It's so much deeper than physical. The only big difference is that I had and felt the need to prove her wrong. I didn't want her to think that I would end up like her, I wanted them to be proud of me when they called me their daughter. I wanted her to cry when she realized that she could never call me her child again. I wanted her to suffer, I wanted her to feel what I felt...and I know you do too....I can see it in your eyes when I look at you. I see myself in your eyes and it scares me. I want to reach out and hug you, touch you, make you feel as special as I know you are. It's hard because just when I think I'm nothing like you and her....I stop myself and I'm reminded that we are cut from the same cloth just different patterns. I still cling to people who mean me no harm....probably just to have them around. I know you thought your big sister was stronger but I have my moments...when I think that love will never find me.....when I feel as though the world is whooping my tail and everyone is leaving me behind.
Then I think about just how much I have to be thankful for and to be honest it all outweighs the bad. I mean I could still be with her....probably with a couple of kids, into drugs and if not that sleeping around. I could be living out on the street, trying to do what I gotta do to make things happen....I could be..anywhere doing anything. But I'm not, I'm here, I have life health and strength. Parents that love me and want the best for me, a job that allows me to eat and survive. So I can't complain at all and to be honest who wants to listen to a complainer.
Please don't end up like her. Running from demons that will continue to hunt you even when you think you have buried them all. Chasing demons that will never be buried unless you face them, own up to them, embrace them..and move on. Please seek help.....don't be blinded by what you think is love and what you want it to be. Find love in yourself and I promise that everything else will come into place. Ask God for help...I'm sure he won't mind....I ask him all the time and even when I forget to ask and try to do it my way he still steps in and takes care of it all. That's just how great he is.
You are beautiful, you're wonderful, your intelligent.....you can do and be anything that you want to be my sister, but you have to change. It's going to be hard...I know, but I'm here...we're all here for you......you can call me whenever and I'll come I promise. But you have to go.......you have to walk down this path on your own two feet. I can't push you.....I can't shove you....I'll walk beside you. There are times when I won't be able to walk beside you and you'll feel like you're alone, but God is always there.....and in spirit I'll be there too and if it ever gets to hard and you think that you can't make it..call me and we'll do it together.
You'll always be my baby sister.....but it's time for you to become a woman.
I love you..........