Life through my eyes......
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Just when you think that you have it all figured out and there will be no surprises something occurs and you understand that you know nothing at all. It all happens so suddenly that you don't even know how or what just happened. I laughed when my mom told me that something would occur shaking the very foundation of what we thought we had....and she was right. I never expected it or even you to come along.
It's funny how after all this time I still feel the need to tell you that I love you. From the moment that we said that we would be together I loved you and I realize that feelings that deep don't go away. I know that time and space hasn't allowed us to be together right now but I want you to know that you are always in my thoughts, prayers and heart. I can't predict the future and say that we will or won't end up together and to be honest at this very moment my feelings for someone else are growing each day.
You allowed me to experience true love and all that it brings. You allowed me to be me and never question myself. Because of you I am who I am today. I know what I want in someone who I create my future life with and I won't accept any less. Because of you I know what it's like to be treated like a princess and I could never regret that.
When we first parted ways I was hurt and to some extent I do wonder sometimes what and where we would be if we were still together right now. Would we be married, working towards it, having our first or second child. However we're not there and I can no longer dwell on what isn't but what is. And that's the fact that we are friends. I'd rather have you as a friend in my life..always in my corner, there when I need you than to not have you at all. You are amazing and I hope you know that. You are a blessing to everyone that comes in contact with you. Each time that we talk it's like I'm hearing your voice for the first time, that's just how much I love our conversations and even though we don't talk that often whenever I hear from you it's a joy. I still smile when I see a note from you, I still smile when I see that poem I wrote about you, I even smile when I think of how you bought me a stuffed dog because I wanted a dog so much but of course couldn't have one because I lived on campus. Just thinking about how much I've changed since we met causes me to smile.
Because of the time that I spent with you before, during and after we were together I came to a greater understanding of who I am. I love to love, I love hugs, I like when someone shows me affection, I like the simple things in life....I am me and I can't and won't change that for anyone. I can cater to someone and still feel like I'm me, I can love someone and not be taken advantage of, I can be silly and not be afraid that they are laughing at me and not with me. Because of you I love me even more and I can't regret that ever occuring. I am content on spending time with me...I am content to not pick up the phone and hunt someone down. Because when someone loves you...things like calling everyday just happen....things like buying a favorite candy bar (when you know you're going to see them) just seem ordinary. Hugs are natural, reaching for their hand as you walk down the street occurs just as easily as the wind blows. I am content in showing that I care without being afraid that someone will doesn't care for me. I love freely as if love will only occur this time at this moment.
I can remember the first day we met like it was yesterday. I had vowed never to do that whole BP thing ever again but something about your note to me made me want to know more. So we conversed and so it began and now almost 7 years later you are still one of my closest friends and you probably don't even know it. I harbor no ill feelings toward you regarding the way we ended because it was needed in order for each of us to be who we are at this moment. Thank you for that. I couldn't see then what I see now of course and because of how things occurred I've experienced so much. Because of how things ended with you I was able to interact with a man who also taught me about love but also about betrayal..something that I wasn't familiar with and becuase of him I'm alot smarter and now I'm in the midst of something that I cant and won't put into words.
I'm happy and I hope you are as well. I know that I must move on and many times I think I have but there comes that time when I hear a song, see a picture or see a face and I'm reminded of you. Reminded that love does exist and that even though things don't work out when two people seem so perfect for one another....you can still exist.
So you may never read this but I want you to know that I love you, always will and you will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you for all that you have allowed me to be and become...thank you for teaching me how to love me and love someone else freely. Thank you for entering my life and leaving it...yet continually popping up unexpectedly. Thank you for just being you.
I want you to know that I'm beginning to care again....and yes I still wear my heart on my sleeve but I know how to be more comfortable just being alone. I've met someone who reminds me of you in so many ways that it's scary and I'm trying not to compare and in fact I won't even dare because although you two are wonderful, phenomenal men you are very different. His love for music matches yours to a T and because of HIM the shell that I created after my last hurt is slowly being broken. I can't speak for the future and of course I won't try but I do know that where ever this goes, I am content in knowing that things work out in the end. I'm content in knowing that what occurs at this time is more important that worrying about what will occur. I can't focus on being hurt because in turn I will hurt myself and the potential of what could be....so I just have to be. Living and loving as if I'll die tomorrow.
So this is not good bye to you as a friend, but a good bye to the feelings of wishing, wanting and yearing to be with you again. Because everything happens for a reason and I know that life goes on and so will I.