Life through my eyes......
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
The time has come.....
As the months have been winding down I've decided that I need to stop making excuses and finally own up to making some changes in my life. So with that in mind I'm bout to do some damage and clear some people and unhealthy things out of my life. Also knowing this has made me come to grips with how I really feel about people I've dated or are dating. I mean we all know when it's gonna work out and if it's just a time filler until someone better comes along. So from now on there will be no more stringing myself or someone else along. I mean if it's about sex then it's about sex if I think it can be more then that's fine too but there will be no more games.
I'm also coming to grips with how I feel about the way my ex and I parted ways. I realize that I did have some issues. I mean I was what 18 or 19 when we first started dating and I was in college so of course the whole partying issue came up and I fought the fact that yes I wanted to experience life and what not but hey I did all that and now I need someone who is motivated into doing some big things in the world like I am and will be doing. I don't need some boy who thinks he is a man. When I have a good man I'm gonna let him know and be down to ride which is how I've always been but you know what I mean (lol) Can't let a good thing go to waste.
With that being said I emailed the ex and informed him that since he knew we still care for one another would it be healthy to see one another if we weren't ready to discuss creating something with one another. I mean the terms of our breakup weren't negative so that's not the issue. What I know is that, when and if I go down there...I will be tested and I'm not sure I can pass (smile). I know I'll want to talk and all that and last time we had that discussion I told him that he would bring it up cause then I would know that he was ready to discuss it. Trust me I know he'll bring up the distance thing and how we might be in different places, which is why I'm not trying to even go there. So to make a long story short do I really want to go down there since I know how I might react once I get down there. I mean we will be around one another for a whole 3 or 4 days......hmmm what could happen. I know what could happen and I want to nip it in the bud so I'll know what I'm getting into before I go down there or not go at all.
I can deal with still talking to him on the phone and via email, but what I can't do is know that I have feelings for him and put myself out there when the feelings are not mirrored. I'm past that. So I'm gonna chill and see what he says. He's gonna have to make the final decision on me coming to visit and I'll respect whatever he says. We are both adults. But I must admit I'm surprised he asked me to come visit (but I informed him that I hope he didn't feel as if he has to extend the invitation) but then again he might think I'm over analyzing things which could be true. Cause a visit could be just that a visit...but with me it's so much more lol.
So I gave myself a deadline of Jan 01,2006 to put up or shut up. Meaning deal with navy guy and finally confront that perhaps my willingness to be in a relationship overshadowed the fact that we just might not be meant to be together and that we are better as friends. And also work towards becoming better spiritually,mentally, physically, finacially, and emotionally. Next year I'm focused man and you better not mess with me unless you are on to doing big things.
I'm FOCUSED MAN....................finally
The time stamp on this is jacked up (posted at 2:13p.m.)