Life through my eyes......
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
You think too much.......
But for the sake of back trackin I will fill ya in. So I meet him during my sophmore year of college. Right at a time when I was comfortable with being single in college and mingling. I was recently deflowered lol so I was more sexually open (no not a hoe lol). So I was dating and chilling while on BP one day since I had just recently discovered it during freshmen year. I just decided that I would not meet anyone else on BP cause I met this guy who lied about how he looked in person. I had written a poem on my page since I dabble a little in that (then again these days so does everyone lol) He responded to it and we conversed from there. We talked for a month or so before we actually met in person. We met during Christmas (while I was at home on break) and after the new year decided we wanted something more from one another (yea I know it all happened so fast).
Right off the bat I knew he was different. I was me around him, corny, serious, sensitive. I didn't feel that I had to front he knew everything there was to know about me and I him. To make a long story short I think that us spending so much time together created some weirdness I mean ok I was in college and he was older so he knew that I wanted to party and I tried to tell him that I didn't. But he didnt' want me to regret wanting to party. We didn't have time to miss one another other than physically cause we were always on the phone...I knew how our conversations were going to go that's how oftern we talked (if that was different then things might have been different). He was going through family drama and felt that he was bringing it into our time together and I could see that. So we mutually came to the agreement that we needed to part ways. I was hurt of course, he was the first man (notice I said man cause i'd dated in HS) that I had brought home to meet the family and what not. So I was sad, crying wondering if I had begged a lil harder or made it a point to try to work through the issues would we still be together. My mom prayed with me and also told me that she knew that sooner or later something was going to occur to shake my foundation and this was it. She also told me that if it's meant to be it will (I got so tired of hearing that) and that it's good that we decided to party instead of tryin to make it work and failing while being married that would have created a whole new set of problems.
So after that we talked but of course it wasn't the same. We saw one another and what have you and after a valentines day of spending time with one another a couple of months after breaking up we decided that we would definately have to part and also stop the friends with benefits activity. Time passes, I date other people and so does he. His most recent ex was offended that we still talked yet she didn't understand that we both voiced that we were special to one another and would always hold a place in each other's hearts (yea I know) so anyway....we've talked through out the years and when I go home we visit and chat....never reliving the past or disrespecting the people that we were with at the time by kissing or engaging in behavior that is inappropriate. I in fact have been around him when he is getting ready for a date and we respect each other when we are the phone.
My relationship with him was so different from recent ones.....I mean a guy would come up to me and be like i'm tryin to talk to you and I'd say with a huge smile on my face I have a man and proceed on my way...not being snotty just happy and content that I had a good man. I didn't give my number out or even feel the need to. I would go out with the girls but I talked to him before I went out and called him when I got in....he didn't ask that I do it, I just did it. After him I called myself so call dating this guy who was aight in the beginning then he got weird and started acting jealous and what not. So when guys would be like do you have a man at first I was like yea then I'd be like I'm dealing with someone lol but it's almost over lol yea I know sad.
Z and I loved one another and you could tell when we were together. He knew that little things made me happy so he took it upong himself to make the small things count....for example I told him I wanted a dog and of course being in college and living on campus and then coming home on holidays it would be hard for me to have one...so being the sweetheart that he is he went and bought me a cute lil stuffed one. It's just the thought that he paid attention so much to what I said that he thought of how much that one little thing would mean to me. I admit that was immature when we met and he made me see that although I was quite mature for being 19 I still had some growing to do. I had only dealt with boys from HS and immature freshmen in college so when we got together my whole view of dating shifted and at first I didn't know how to deal with all that. Which is also a reason that we ended it. I was comfortable showing my emotions just yet because my HS boyfriend wasn't too keen on that so once I got what I had always wanted I didn't know how to deal with it at first.
With that being a month before christmas we were on the phone catching up and he said that he liked NC and what not and I asked him how was work and he said it was cool he had a new apt and I asked if he had a house warming party and he said he didn't know that many people down there so there wouldn't have really been a need (his sis and her fam live down there) He said that I was always welcome to come visit and I said well you let me know when you want me to visit and I'll make some time to come. I wanted to make sure I wasn't stepping on toes or creating anything that wasn't there..cause that's just how I am. We said we would think about it and we talked and decided that I was going down there during MLK weekend....I had found a plane ticket and what not...he then asked me could I come sooner cause he wanted to see me and he would be going to CA to visit his cousin who was going to Japan soon. So i told him I didn't know much the tickets would be around new years since that's a pretty festive time of year everything is extra expensive. So I actually found a decent ticket (below 100) and that's how me going to visit him on New years came about.
Now once that was decided of course I started to over think things. I was like what if i get down there and something happens. I mean before he lived down the street so I could hop in my car and go home and what not. This time I'll be in NC with no car lol and we will be in one another face for 3 nights and 4 days. I mean we've spent weekends together with fam and alone but it was while we were together. So I'm like aight I need to know what could or is gonna happen (I know I can't predict the future) So I called him and was like you know we still care for one another and I want to make sure that I'm not stepping on toes or making you uncomfortable by coming to visit. He was no you're good and I said I know I over think sometimes but I can control myself and I'm not saying I'm gonna pounce on you as soon as the lights go off or I get some wine in me but I want you to know that it could happen and since you know this are you prepared for what could happen. He says he can't predict what will or won't happen but he is fine with me coming or he wouldn't have asked me to come and I do know this.
Of course all my girls are like oh WOW you're going to see Z and one new years...don't psych your self up Honey-Libra cause we know how you felt about him and you tend to over react sometimes..which is very true. So I'm anxious to see him and spend time with an old friend but as a female and being a libra and being honey libra at that I wonder is there really significance to him asking me to visit. But i'm taking it for what it's worth and that's just a visit with an old friend nothing more nothing less. I haven't been on a plane since I went to Miami when I was a junior in college for an NAACP Conference so it should be fun. I'll get there Fri morning so we can have the whole weekend to chill and hang out. It should be fun I always have fun with him no matter what we do.
It's so funny cause when we broke up I couldn't see the point or the light at the end of the tunnel. However now I do...Z showed me what I wanted in a man and in a marriage. He taught me so much about myself that I can honestly say I'm much more grown up because of how we interacted with one another. I've changed and I know he has to and I wonder if decisions had been different and we had decided to stay together would we be different as we are now (be it good or bad). In after thought I realize that being apart was the best thing that could have happened and the clique is correct if we are meant to be then we will and if not then I know that he had a part of allowing the man of my dreams to come to me....because had it not been for him then I would not have known what it was like to love and be loved in returned.
So I'm going down there to celebrate the new year with a friend and trust me nothing will occur. I'm too focused on making changes and not being and allowing the same things that occurred in 2005 to happen in 2006. I might be overreacting but hey I'd rather be sure and have a set game plan so I'll know how to react when Im' tested and I know I will be...cause he still gives me butterflies (smile)
I know it's not 1999 (Prince's song) but you can party like it's 2009....be careful out there people......and know that Honey-Libra is thinking and praying for each of you (not literally thinking but praying always lol)
posted @ 12:47pm