Life through my eyes......
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Are you my mommy?
So I've been fighting with writing this post for the last couple of days...first because I haven't had the time and second because I get emotional when I talk about how this whole issue makes me feel.
I was adopted when I was about 2 and I live with my parents and 2 sisters (one is my whole sister the other half but I don't discriminate) I have a brother who was in foster care so he wasn't able to be adopted when my sisters and I were adopted. Over the years my biological mother has known where we lived but she didn't make it a point to come visit..this could be because she weighs about 400 pounds (which she is now losing due to gastric bypass). She did however call about once or twice a year but most of the time my sisters and I weren't at home or she didn't ask to speak to us. I guess she was just doing a check up.
So anyway I've made it a point to try to establish a relationship with my older brother who has been in and out of jail since he got of the army which was like 4 years ago. I've also had the opportunity to meet some aunts and uncles from my biological mother and fathers side. I've found out where the thickness comes from, my high cheekbones and my height....the last two come from my biological father's side. I've met my fathers mom and she is too funny. Talk about a culture shock. I mean my adoptive parents (who i consider my parents hands down...I have a mom and dad don't need two) are involved in the church and are pretty conservative so to speak and both sides of my biological family are loud, they drink, they curse like sailors and let's just say that visiting someone in jail isn't new to them...it is to me.
However this isn't really the cause of my distress when it comes to this issue. I mean yea when I was little kids could be cruel saying "you mom didn't want you so she gave you away" but my parents quickly told me that being adopted means you are special because you were picked. God knew my mom and dad needed kids and that my mom couldn't have any so he sent her three little angels (I think if she knew what she knows now she wouldn't have called us angels). So I like to think that God had and still has a divine plan for me and my sisters cause he couldn't have picked two better parents to raise us. I can honestly say that if we were left in the environment that we were born into we would probably have a kid or two a piece and who knows what else and I'm not saying that all girls born into that type of life lead it but I know my biological mom and the rest of my family and I know what would have occurred.
And lo and behold what do you know my lil sister who will be turning 20 this year has a lil boy. She of all people I would think would be the most not like my biological mother since she was adopted a day or two after she was born. She doesn't even remember what it was like to go hungry and be found in your own feces (you'd be surprised what lil kids remember). I've even been told that the story of how bad we were neglected was in the paper. We had to be in the hospital because we had been so malnourished. I've always said that because of this I want to become a foster mom and adopt children on top of having my own.
Aight so as stated before my biological mom had gastric bypass surgery and she has been losing weight. Apparently this has given her a new lease on life cause she thinks she is hot s***. So while I was on the road coming back to Northern VA after the Christmas holiday I get a call from my aunt (who is my biological mothers sister) she calls me on the regular to check on me and what and I've even spent a new years with her and her family..she's cool people. I see from her where my loudness at certain times comes from (lol) Anyway she has my birth canal donor(i like how that sounds, I think I'll call her that now) on the other line on three way. So we are chatting it up and what not. I'm thinking she is gonna mention how me and my sis dropped by and left her a gift..nope she didnt'.
But you know what she does talk about how she went to see my brother (who is in jail again) and how the little boys were in there tryin to talk to her. She then proceeded to go on and talk about what she had on and what not. Talking about she looked sexy and all that mess. I'm thinking dang thanks for asking how I am and how my holiday was or for even saying thanks for the gift. Even when we tried to change the convo she went back to what she had on and how the guys in the jail were saying what did her kids think about her new look and she said what can they say their momma got her groove back (I'm thinking boo you aint' got no kids...cause I sure ain't one of em)
I then interrupt and I'm totally iggin her at this point and I say to my aunt I hope this is J's last time in jail cause I miss my brother. I later find out that my birth canal donor said she wanted to curse me out because she thinks I was dissing my brother and what not. I then told my aunt that birth canal could come on with it. I mean you can say what you want cause you've been doing what you want for the past 23 years (that's how old I am) without caring about what I think or how i feel. I mean yea I'm not a lil girl anymore but it still hurts to know that the woman that gave birth to you doesn't want anything to do with you. When I call her all i get it yea, um hm, like I'm interrupting her. That bugs the mess out of me.
So last weekend I told my aunt that by no disrespect to her or the part that she plays in my life but I have no words for my birth canal donor. I could care less if I ever see her again. I'm tired of putting forth the effort to be a part of her life and she wants nothing to do with me. So going forth in this year she probably won't talk to me unless my aunt calls me and she is there or she calls me herself. Which I know she isnt' gonna do. At this point and time all I care about are the people that care about me.....that's all that matters. So she can kick rocks, skip em or even eat em I don't care.
It's funny how I'm 23 but at times when I think about not being wanted I feel 2 again. But my mommy has done a great job in raising my sisters and I. She's one of my best friends and I let her know that I love her as much as I can. I can only hope and pray that I'm half the mother and woman that she is when I reach her age.