Life through my eyes......

I've been blessed in my life not to lose too many people that I love or care about. I'm not saying that I've never lost someone it's just that it doesn't happen too frequently in my life. I can count all the people that I've loved that have died. I can remember being in elementary school and going to my aunts (my dads sister) funeral, she died from lupus. Then there was my moms oldest sister (I think she had cancer), there was my dads mother (think I was in elementary school then as well). I've of course been to other people's funerals but I don't like them and of course wouldn't be at my own if I didn't have to be there. Just put my picture up and sing some songs, eat some food, and remember the good times (humming it's so hard to say good bye). Of course there was the passing of my cousins (one married into my family and the other was 8 he had sickle cell) followed by my grandmother in the same year (I was in college), last year my grandfather died and my roommate from freshmen year in college died (drowned), and there was the lady from my church who I thought of as a grandmother died right beside me before Sunday School, I took that extra hard....she was just talking to me. So it comes but it tends to come in spurts.

First let me say that i'm sensative...sometimes to a fault. I can cry at the drop of a hat and when I see a sad movie or hear a sad situation I tend to cry. I even cry when I get angry not cause I'm sad but because I'd mad (it's those angry hot tears). So anywho today I got some news that took me by surprise. This lady from my last job who is a little older than me passed away yesterday morning. She had been going in and out of conscieness and finally "gave up the ghost". I knew she had been sick in fact she hadn't been to work for like 3 months before I left there. The reason it took me by surprise was that I didn't really expect it, she had been doing well. I was trying to make plans to see her (she was my at work mommy), but she and her family felt it was better that some people not come to visit. She shyed away from those at her job, her friends. At one point we (at work) figured it was because she didn't want our sympathy and tears...which is understandable. But I felt hurt, I know it's selfish becuase she's the one suffering but how could she turn her back on those that cared about her and wanted to see her get better. She was ok with letting go and it was us who needed to prepare for her not being here.

So as I write this tears are running down my face because I'm going to miss her spirit, her kindness and just knowing that someone in this big old world cared and thought about me. If I forgot my lunch at home or said I wasn't hungry she made sure I ate. When I had a question about at work procedure she helped me and if she didn't know she went out of her way to find someone that could help me. She always made sure she had candy on her desk (sour altoids I love those things and skittles) for me and that we did lunch every week just to get away. When she left and took a turn for the worst her desk was still there and I would walk past and pray that God would bring her through. He knew what was best, her time here on earth was well served. She taught me resilence and strength. When her granddaughter who was 5 years old died of cancer she cried but only because she would miss her, she knew she wasn't suffering anymore. She said God let her be with us for as long as she needed to be and he wanted her home. I don't feel angry at him, he knows what's best.

While I think about her spirit, her laughter and her many stories about her trips to Atlantic City (homegirl was a gambler LOL) I think about just how much she meant to me in the short time frame that I knew her. My mom always says that to be absent from the body is to be present with Christ....so I know Ms. Tanya is looking down on me and smiling and telling me not to cry...cause she knows what a mess I look when I do lol. She's ok, she's with her mother and her granddaughter and the others that shes loved and lost. She'll be watching over me, being that little voice in the back of my head giving me advice.

You never know how much you love or care about someone till they are gone. You never realize all the little things that make them ever so special....for my grandmother it was the simple way she would play gotcha with us.....it was our lil game of tag....the simple way she told me she was proud of me and she has other grandchildren but she took the time out to tell me she was proud of me. The way my other grandmother from church would sing her lil heart out and sometimes she forgot the words and then after service she would ask me how she did....and I always told her she did a wonderful job because she was singing from her heart. The way my lil cousin would give me hugs, the way my freshmen year roommate would make me dance everytime a trina song came on (called me fatty girl lol). The way Ms. Tanya would call me her little girl (even though she has 2 daughters), the way we would walk up to the lunch room together and heat up our oodles and noodles and even the way she showed me a way to spice them up lol (turkey chunks and hot sauce). All those memories and moments that they've brought to my life have added to me and I can't regret that. I relish in the fact that I was and am still blessed by having them in my life even if it was for a season.

I cry because I'll miss her and all of those that I've loved and lost yes, but I'm so happy that God placed her and them in my life for these last two years. Because what she taught me will impact me for the rest of my life.

So if you love someone or even care about them....tell them, let them know everyday.

I will miss you Ms. Tanya and thank you. You've helped me to appreciate life and all that comes with it. From now on I'll be dancing like nobody's watching, singing in and out of the shower and loving so hard that it hurts......I love you

posted @10:51am