Life through my eyes......
Friday, July 07, 2006
What to do what to do
What you know so far is that Constant has been in my life since I was a junior in college, which means I've known him for almost 4 years (4 in Oct). We began as friends and he just recently acknowledged that he loves me....although he's known for a while that I cared about him.
What you don't know is that we are suppose to be together right now. If you recall correctly I wrote a post talking about him and all that jazz. This was before he got on my nerves....more so than he's ever done before.
Things went down hill because just when I cut others off to see if things were going to work with him he started acting up.....not calling when he said he was, supposedly coming to visit me and getting stopped by the police and not letting me know till the next morning. In spite of all this he would still pop up and visit me (surprising me). I liked that, the fact that he thought enough of me to leave the 757 area of VA and drive up to see me (3.5 hours) after a long day of being at work....I took that as a sign that things would change. Little changes were made but nothing too serious.
Well flash forward through a bunch of other stuff to last month when he told me he was leaving for 6 months. He's in the navy and this is the longest that he's ever been gone...next to the 3 months deployment last year and boot camp training. Which means that he won't be back until December....just in time for Christmas. Now during the three months that he was gone last year...he informed me that he cared about me, but he's not use to showing emotion. His last girlfriend did him wrong and he is just getting over that. Ok that's understandable we all have our own way of dealing with things. I was patient, I listened, I never pressured which was why when he finally said he did have feelings for me I was ready to drop everyone else like a lil kid who drops what their doing when their parent walks in the room..cause they know they aren't suppose to be doing what their doing. It was gonna be me and him....that's how I'd wanted and I was finally getting what I wanted.
There's been drama and I know actions speak louder than words and for a time period his actions were saying I dont' appreciate you and his words were saying the opposite. So when he informed me that he was leaving....I was upset but I felt like it was a chance for us to really see if we were interested in being with one another. So I hung out with the girls, went on some dates and started dealing with other guys (not alot of course just 2 lol)....not telling him this. He's been sending letters and emails saying how much he loves me and wants to be with me and for some odd reason he is anxious that I recieve a certain letter from him. The roomie says that hes gonna ask me to marry him or entertain that thought. Truth be told I've already entertained that thought...before I began messing with other guys. I'd even said that if he has asked me to marry him last year I would have done it and moved back the 757 area of VA and found a job....but that never happened, he's there and I'm here.
Over the years I can see how his attachment to me has changed but of course things aren't how they should be (then again who says they should be a certain way). I use to want him to treat me like my first love did....that was so unfair to him. Demanding that he show affection when he wasn't prepared to. Now he shows affection, when we're together he wants me near him, he holds me...massages my back, plays in my hair. He's seen me in so many different ways that I know it's not about sex with him. I mean I've gained weight, I've lost weight. I've cut my hair, I've had braids, and now it's loced and he's seen it all when it comes to me. I have to stop thinking that things with him should be a certain way. He has his own way of showing that he cares and I have mine....he's begun to change and I know that he's making a compromise because the last time he was here I laid it out on the table...either work on that or we're done. Now it's time for me to put up or shut up and stop complaining. Things are never perfect and they wont' be perfect. I have to recognize that.
Well he sent me an email yesterday. In the email was a story....to be honest I thought he got it out of a book, but as I read it over and over I noticed that they were his words. The story talked about him us being together after he got back and what would occur. Needlesstosay I was short of breath and I almost cried when I read it. The tone of his emails between the last time he was out to sea and this time have changed...he is more I love you, I miss you and less I do what I have to do. He talks more about we and asks more about what's going on in my life. He tells me that he will always talk to me about what's going on in his life and that I should never have to worry about him not being here for me.
Confusion.....isn't even half of what I feel right now. It pains me to think that I could even do this to someone I've never been an unsure person in a relationship. I'm not unsure about how he makes me feel I'm unsure about what the hell I'm doing. Why talk to others when I've wanted him to say those words to me for so long and when he finally does I can't seem to cut everyone else off.....my stomach hurts just thinking about it. I admit that I talk a good game and can most of the time follow through but when it comes to love I'll admit that I'm just a scared little girl on the inside who wants someone to love her. I know it will come, it just pains me to have to go through the trials and tribulations that love brings. And yes I know that sometimes pain and frustration come with love and that it's all worth it in the end but a girl can dream can't she.
I mean what if I do give him another chance.....how do I tell someone who I just slept with last week that BAMN! I have a man now. How do I deal with the fact that I'm too scared right now to give him another chance for fear that it could turn out wrong?
The fact remains that when he came into my life my view of love changed. I had just gotten over my first real serious breakup and didn't think that I would ever be ok. He came as a surprise and he still continues to surprise me. Just when I think I have him figured out he does something like he did yesterday.....takes my breath away. So I have to be honest with myself and admit that yes I love him, but love is never unsure. If I can't stop talking to these other guys and walk away from them and give myself to him completly there's no point in saying I love him.......
Sometimes when I'm with another guy I realize just how much they annoy me. Sometimes it's just little things like how they talk or eat their food or how they look in their clothes. It might even be so simple as the look on his face LOL...or if I talk to a guy then stop talkin to them then they pop back up I realize just how annoyed they make me...but Constant is different. He annoys me yes, but I've never once stopped talking to him because of it. We've had discussions but he's never made me not want to talk to him after it's all said and done. Ok I might go a couple of days without talking to him but it never fails that I call him or he calls me and things are back to normal...whatever that may be.
Ok, there's no ring on my finger and I can do what I want. But if being in a committed healthy relationship is what I seek why would I continue to play around. He's what I want, despite the bad the good and the ugly he's been a Constant in my life for almost 4 years now (hence the nickname). I've talked to other guys, and he's still around. We've fussed and argued and he's still here. I dislike him at times but he's still here and that says alot. I cut people off when they annoy me...the times that I've changed my number he's been on of the first that I've given it to. When I lay down at night, he's in my dreams. When I think of my future children I think of him as their father. Each time I see a wedding I picture he and I becoming one in front of those that we love.
Recognizing that love isn't perfect is understood but also recognizing that the person that you love isn't going to be perfect is important as well. So as everyone from my last post said Actions speak louder than words. He's gone right now and yes I see a little change but being face to face is totally different than being millions of billions of miles away. I'll let him say what he has to say...keep him talking, keep him thinking and in the meantime I'll minimize who I deal with. When he gets home we'll talk and if things have truly changed we'll move past this but till then.....
So that's that. I've been filling time and space with guys who I knew weren't right for me because I had been hurt and that's not fair. I've been acting like a guy.....and one of the types that I despise. Telling them that they are the only one I want to chill with and then still chilling with another one. I need to stop, I have to stop, I want to stop.
It's time to grow the Fuck UP!!