Life through my eyes......

...and I can't let go. I am trying to hold on to you...though it hurts me so I gotta let you know that the love we once shared now is through....

ok so that's one of my favorite songs....I love Carl Thomas and that song just explains how I feel at a given moment cause I'm a very emotional person. Recently I had a distrubing dream..well not really disturbing just kinda weird. Perhaps it was the food on thanksgiving and then napping afterward..but I tried to party before I laid down LOL...anywho....

I watched this movie called Stay Alive (feel free to goggle it so I don't have to explain the whole thing lol)....I'll wait.....and wait....and wait...........

OK..got it....

So in my dream I'm somehow in this game or have just finished playing it I can't tell. I'm in the city and although I don't know that I'm in DC it feels like I am (you know what I mean)...I get lost trying to get to the highway even though the highway is right beside me...I end up on this college campus

Some guy trys to show me how to get to where I'm going..some other guy shows up and I mention that I don't have any money (dont' know why I said this and dont' even know why I remember all this)...well anyway the second guy trys to take me to some room underneath some stairs and attack me

I get away or at least that's the next scene I remember and I'm calling R to come get me...he shows up. I'm crying, hugging him. Thanking him for always being there when I call then I say that I've realized that I love him...WHAT?!

Yea that's what I said. This dream was so real that I woke up my pillow was soaked from me crying and my eyes were hurting. I called him later on that morning to tell him about it....left him a message and went on about my business. But that dream has caused me to think about what exactly we are doing. I mean we've known each other for 2 years...he's older than me (32..I think lol) so we vibe on a whole different level. I love that he challenges me, he makes me think of things on a different mind level....we can talk for hours about our lives, stuff we find interesting and all that. Before we hung out as much as we do now...it was just chill. If I talked to him...then I did...if I didn't then I didn't. I mean we had sex but it wasn't like I expected anything and I was fine with that......but this damn dream has got me wanting to spend more time with him but not wanting to spend more time with him. I mean he knows I care about him....I know he cares about me. We've had that convo before. But he just lost his job so of course he's going through that....I just got over Constant (who will be back in VA next weekend) and we all know how that is. So last night he asks me to come over...I tell him I can't although I was going to come over earlier after work...he didn't answer his phone when I called earlier. He did explain why though but by the time he called me back it was almost 11 and I didn't want to get out of my bed. Truth be told and I told him this as well...all of that was BS. I've gotten up at 1am gone over there and then come back home to go to work.....so I just couldnt' deal with being around him last night.

On top of that I dont' want us to have a title.....or do I?! But I mean dang it's not like I'm cheating on you when I chill with Young one, Musiq or DC.....I mean we aren't together. So last night he was like well I treat you like my girl we just don't have that title....so I'm thinking well why should I jump when you ask me to come over....not really jump but you get my drift. So last night I was so confused and frustrated about me not knowing what I'm thinking or why I'm thinking it and on top of that the dream..that I told him I couldn't come over and I was really working on some tears..which made me more mad. I'm mad that I'm so emotional when it comes to someone that I could potentially care about. I mean we've both admitted that we are afraid of getting hurt, and that we want to spend more time together..but nothing comes of it...I mean we do spend more time together now than we did before but still...it urks me.

Of course R asks me if this is one of the reasons that I haven't been chillin with like usual and I kinda stare into space and reply slowly that yes..I have been somewhat distancing myself from him. I haven't been doing it on purpose but it's been happening. He wanted to see me before I left for the holiday and I could have asked roomie to us her car (my cuz had my car) but I didn't want to do that...although I know that she would have let me use it. So of course after I tell him some of whats on my mind he trys to convince me that he misses me, needs me and I'm like ok. Not saying I dont believe him but I mean I question it cause he doesn't really say how he feels so it catches me off guard. Says that me thinking or rather over thinking the dream and how I feel about him isn't helping especially since he's not in my face and we can't talk about it and he can't hold me. That's just it....if he holds me I might realize that I do love him....or that I don't. Then of course I'd have to tell all the team that I can't chill with them no more....and I hate to hurt feelings LOL..sike I digress but seriously I mean I have fun with Musiq and the rest of them...how do I just say listen it's been real but umm I've decided to pass on whatever we got going here. On top of that if I had been there I know I would have cried and he's never seen me cry..not like it's a problem but I'm not trying to go there and get all emotional but the fact remains is that I'm already emotional and being around him would have made it bigger than what it probably should have been.

So I'm suppose to go over there after I get home and change and what not. I guess we'll talk about it...agree to just keep things the way they are and I'll just convince myself that I don't really wanna be with him....but why should I have to convince myself. I just want to really talk about it and get it out in the open so we dont' have to talk about it again. I mean ok you dont' want to be with anyone...not just me..you're not ready but I need to look into your eyes as you say that so I can move on....to whatever that is....we discussed us not being ready one time before so it's no biggie which is why I'm bothered that now it's somewhat of a biggie to me....errr. At one point in the convo I pulled back the covers to get out of bed, shower and go over there just so I could see his face...hold him...fall asleep with him...and I said no...crawled back under the covers and whiped a tear the fell...I can't..I need space...to think..to decide what is going on...even if it's for one night. He asked me if I thought one night was gonna make a difference and right now as I type this I don't know. Maybe...maybe not. I might know when I see him....I told him that sometimes I wish he could see what I see....when I look at him...how great he is, how wonderful I think he is...how blessed I am to even have him around me....but will I tell him that....he said that he wants to say it's love what he feels for me..but he's scared...of messing up....of not being what I want him to be...that's just it...I want him to be him...cause that's who i've come to care about.

I'm a woman....I get emotional....tell me how you feel...I know you're scared...so am I....but why can't we deal with it together. I told him about Z and how we ended (I had a case of deja vu)...Z lost his job...but that was after we were together sometime and we ended among other reasons because he didn't feel like he was treating me like I should be treated as far as dating and all that other stuff goes...but I tried to explain to him....boo we're in this together...I love you and we will hit the pavement together to find you another job (what I said to Z not R)....so I told R that I can't do that again...I can't feel like I'm caring more about someone than they care about me..that I'm fighting for us when they don't even want to suit up.....so the dream confused me....and I hate being confused.....


posted @10:12am