Life through my eyes......

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Hey You

I’ve got so much to say but I don’t know where to begin. You know I’m hurt and that’s evident because I can’t seem to understand how things got to be this way. You of all people should have known that I have been in your corner since day one..even before I said I love you. How could you take that so lightly, how could you act as if those were just words coming out of my mouth and that they had no meaning.

Your voice last night brought it all back. I can’t even begin to tell you how I felt at that moment. Confusion was the first thing I felt, because I’m not angry anymore. Why should I be happy that you called, why should I even care. But I do and that’s the hard part. I really don’t know what to do or think and I’m so tired of people telling me what I should do. I’m really tired of folks thinking they know what’s going on inside my head. But at the same time I’m tired of realizing that they could be right about everything and I could be wrong. I don’t want to be that stupid girl who believes in fairy tales, but I’m a woman that does. I believe in love at first sight, I believe in butterflies. Because when I was with you that’s what I got, I knew that I loved you and I still do. But being in love with someone is a element all it’s own and I’m not ready to admit that I want to be with you again. I’m not ready to admit that I can forgive and whip the slate clean, we can be friends yes, but if I really forgive and forget there is a chance that you will hurt me again. Perhaps not in the same manner but you will hurt me again. I know it’s negative to think that way but that’s reality. Reality is that yes we could move on, yes this could have just been a indiscretion on your part and that you wont’ do it again. Yes you really could have changed, but the other side of reality shows me that you could just say what I want to hear and continue to do what you want to do.

Your voice pulled on my strings last night. The I’m sorry’s over and over and over again did something to me. Made me mad, made me want to cry, made me want to hug you and slap you at the same time. I felt myself getting agitated at your answers I mean how stupid do you think I am...apparently very if you think I’m gonna believe all that nonsense that you call conversation. Yea you admitting you were wrong, you admitted you cheated and you were in the wrong. Stating that you know I’m your future doesn’t make things right.

What kills me the most is that you don’t know that I was talking and dealing with other guys behind your back. The only difference is that I never got caught, I never told any of them that I loved them or wanted to marry them. So why should I be hurt, why should I want to slap you when you might want to not deal with me after I tell you this? I guess because I thought I was number one to you and those other guys never figured they were number one. Maybe because when I think of who I wanted to marry I thought of you, when I see my future children I see your eyes and your smile on their faces. Maybe because we both need sometime to really clear our heads and decide what we’re doing with ourselves and our lives. Maybe because I realize that being with you means that I have to stop dealing with and dating other guys and I’m not ready to do that just yet. Or maybe just maybe....I realize that being with you means that I’ve finally found someone for me and that’s scary.

You asked could you come over and talk to me face to face. Look in my eyes as you apologized for the pain, hurt and confusion that you’ve brought to my heart. I want you to come over, but I know that seeing your face, looking into your eyes is going to make me question everyone and everything around me. I want you to hold me, I want you to see the pain in my eyes as I yell and scream about what an idiot you are. When you tell me once again that you’re sorry and that you didn’t send all those emails I want you to see that I don’t believe you look in my eyes. I want to see your body language, your eye movement. But even then what will I do, cause people can lie to your face and you not even know it. I want to inflict as much pain on you as you inflicted on me. But of course that wouldn’t be right and it would be fair. I’ve heard people say that the best revenge is living well and right now that’s what I’m doing. But I’ve admitted to myself that I love you, always will but I need time.

Time to get over the confusion, time to believe in you again. Time to focus on what I want to do, time to stop listening to everyone else cause they always seem to have so much to say....and if I do take the time to decide that I want to be with you....what do I do? Will I tell everyone that I’m with you and worry about what they are going to say, how they are going to call me stupid for taking you back, how I’m a fool and you’ll do it again. Will I cut the other guys off, telling them the truth or making up some lie to appease them and me for the moment. Will I really focus on you and me or will I continue to rehash the past, making you feel as if I’ve never forgiven you for what you did....

Talking to you on the phone last night...has got me back where I was when this all began..confused...wondering what the heck am I doing, what am I going to say...feelings that I had when I first met you. How a guy like you could ever talk to a girl like me and make me feel as if Im number one when we haven't even exchanged numbers....feeling as though we're meant to be when I don't even know you're name. Feeling as though, time has stopped and will only begin again when you speak my name....feeling as if I were made to love you.....

What to do, what to do......

posted @ 10:11am
posted by Ms.Honey at 7:10 AM


I smell Constant in this letter.

But seriously, if you do decide to take him back, you have to forgive and forget b/c that's the only way it will work out.

And why can't I post a comment using my blogger username. It only lets me use the google username.


December 14, 2006  

TSG...yea what can I say..I had to get it out...yea about that whole forgive and truly forget thing..I still need to work on that LOL

December 14, 2006  

All I can offer is a cyber hug and a suggestion to read your past blogs entries.

December 14, 2006  

that was me Ladynay BTW

December 14, 2006  

Lady..I've been doing that and it's not helping LOL

December 14, 2006  

I mean first things first...

You have to do what you said, take some time...its not easy when you are sifting through all of your emotions, going back and forth with need to KNOW that whatever decision you make, its YOUR decision, don't worry about what ReRe and Ne say...YOU are the ONLY one that has to live with your decision...

I remember being in your shoes, hearing the words, looking into his eyes, thinking I was over it and really I wasn't...its been over 2 years since it will be 2 years next month since we broke up (yea, we couldn't work it out) but the thing WAS HE couldn't get past what HE did to me...HE thought that I would never see him the same again...and you know what, he knew me well enough to know that he was right....

And beyond THAT...I told him that if he really wasn't ready for me, and he really couldn't be faithful to me and love me the way I deserved to be love, that if he really cared for me and loved me he would leave me alone...and he did, because he wasn't ready...

Take as much time as you need to heal, to deal with whatever is going on in your need to get back together for you to hold it over his head or for him to hold it over yours...

YES you have to forgive and forget and move forward...have no regrets...and just keep pushing...

There is this book entitled Forgive and Love again, maybe it can help you sort through some things, i know it helped me...

And most importantly just pray...

read, write, run, sleep, curse, whatever YOU need to do so that in the end whatever choice you make, YOU will have peace of mind...


December 14, 2006  


December 14, 2006  

TC....thanks for that and I mean that mind is in a state of confusion right now and I'm taking time to deal with it all...

Missy..yea I know that you have to let them go and if they come back then it's meant to be...who says this ain't his coming back....cause I've let him go

December 14, 2006  

I don't know what to say......its hard to let that type of pain go....but do what you feel is best for you... that your eye?

December 14, 2006  

ps smm is chclt

December 14, 2006  

Girl I know who you are LOL...nah it's not but that would be hot wouldn't it

December 14, 2006  

heyyyy honey! this is Jus.B.Fli.
i'm posting anon cause blogger beta hates me!! (LOL)

oh my goodness, momma!!


i knew exactly what i wanted to say... or at least i THOUGHT i did until i got to the damn comments section. (LOL)

this was so heartfelt and sweet. i am THE biggest emotional cry-baby sometimes, so you know i have tears in my eyes, right?

all i'm gonna say is... pray about it, then follow your heart. you can't live your life worried about what other people are gonna think! besides, if they you're friends they will support and be there for you whether they agree with your decision to give him another chance or not.

ummm. i'm gettin' a lil long-winded, so i'm gonna go before i take over your comments section completely! (LOL) thank you for sharing this. i think i might write a ltr to a certain someone and post it.

peace and hang in there!

December 14, 2006  

I just started reading your blog yesterday and just wanted to let you know that it gets the best of all of us. Just keep holding on.

That being said, Ruben has a song on his new cd called Follow Ya Heart. And he says don't do what your girls think you should do or what the "expected" reaction is.....follow your heart. Hmmmmmm

December 14, 2006  

"Feeling as though, time has stopped and will only begin again when you speak my name....feeling as if I were made to love you....."

*sigh* i feel this post honey! i think that all you can do is be honest with yourself and with your feelings. don't be afraid of where your heart leads you, this includes when it leads you to "scary" places. uncertainty and confusion are natural when dealing with matters of the heart.

December 14, 2006  

For the first time that I can recall, I hear you being fully (don't know if totally is appropriate) honest with yourself. That's a great first step. While I want to give you encouraging words, I don't want it to come off as advice; so I'm just gonna give you some advice: do what you want. Do whatever the F you want. It's clear that this situation needs time on many planes to ease towards solution. We too often push past or through pain too quickly, give it it's chance to do what pain does: it hurts us but pain also HEALS us. It may sound odd, but consider it the burning sensation of peroxide on that bike scar. Burning means it's cleaning, it's working.

Take your time....


December 14, 2006  

okay shawty keep your chin up...i got first round of drinks...2 ROUNDS OF STRONG ISLAND PLEEZE....don't worry, BRUSH YOUR SHOULDERS OFF SHAWTY!!!

December 15, 2006  

i dunno know what to say.. (((HUGS)))

wanna get a drink tomorrow morning on me? :-)

December 15, 2006  

Deep and heart felt. Thanks for sharing that with us...

It's so much easier to write things down...

December 15, 2006  

I really have no suggestions...

Hold up. I do. Before you two could ever become friends again, you must forgive. Do not do anything until you forgive. And make sure that really do. To try and be his friend without forgiving him would only spell disaster.

December 15, 2006  

Oh my GAWD why am I in this place with you right now girl. My situation is so similar to yours it isn't even funny! I can honestly say I know how torn you are over this. I can't offer any advice cause I'm having a hard enough time figuring out my own damn situation but just know, I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.

All I can give is some support!!!

December 17, 2006  

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