Life through my eyes......
Thursday, March 29, 2007
The discussion last night was about us going to my parents house. The original plan was to go Easter weekend (spend sat night and leave sun sometime after dinner) however my parents will be out of town so I suggested we go this weekend (just for a day..saturday or sunday)....nothing was set in stone but it was up in the air. I will admit that I thought it was a done deal, that's just how I am..if someone doesn't say no right away and in the upcoming days there is nothing to discuss..it's going down.
Well he doesn't want to go, ok not that he doesn't want to go he just has other things that he needs to do. First he was like well my boss wants me to work on Saturday and I'm like aight do what you do...you need the money, make it happen. Then he says we could go one Sunday and that's exactly the thought I had..then he said but I don't know if I could sit through church....I kinda figured that. For the most part I'm the one who has spent most of thier life in church so it's second nature to go to me. In fact sometimes I crave it, I feel a certain peace when i go..especially if I haven't been in a while. I can't fault him for not attending church as much as I did when I was younger and even know I'll occassionally go (I tend to be lazy about getting up..no excuse though I know lol) but I have always said that I want my children to attend church to a certain extent. So of course the first thought that pops into my head is, well this church this like a second life to me...my mom is a preacher, my dad is a deacon..I have cousins who started a church..you get where i'm going with this. You can't know me and not go to church at least once with me.
Then he says I'm not going anywhere so I'll meet your parents soon. I'm like aight..end of discussion.....NOT. I laid down and I could not go to sleep. I don't know what it was but I tossed and turned, I even turned on the TV and I could not fall asleep. So he held me and all that and I still couldn't go to sleep. I keep moving and finally he's like what's wrong and I said I really wanted you to go and he says I knew that was on your mind....and I said but I cant make you go and I wouldn't want you to go and be mad that I made you go. Ok he says...asks me if I'm mad again and I'm not really I wasn't and I'm still not mad, but that was bothering the heck of me.
This morning as he's leaving to go home to shower for work, he says you know i'm not going anywhere for a while so we'll go down there so I can meet them. You know the original plan was for Easter weekend and I'm like I know..I'm good and I am. Then me going to the DR comes up and he says that if I was mad he would have been like it seems that when he wants to chill or whatever I get all antsy and when I wanna do something I do it. I thought about htat and asked him what he meant and he was like you know like if you wanna go home for the weekend you go...but if I wanna chill youmake it a big deal...and I was like is that how you feel and he said nah but if you were angry I'd point that out...I was like oh aight.
I'm all for us spending time apart..in fact we're only in the phase of dating and all that so we still have lives lol. If things progress and become permanent we'll be seeing enough of one another on a daily basis so this time is much needed. But that whole convo got me to thinking that I am so selfish. I didn't even stop to think that he might have wanted to spend this weekend doing his own thing whatever that might be. I just assummed that he would go. I was so stuck on me that it kept me up and almost brought me to tears..how lame is that. When I thought about it this morning I was like wow girl, you are too stubborn for your own good. He's gonna be around if he's meant to be, you'll have time for all that. Why are you trying to rush it all...slow it down. Give the man his space and time.
Then of course bad Honey chimes in....well he can call me this weekend and I'm gonna be like I'm busy since he wants his own time. Boo to him...and of course that's not the way to be. I should thank God that he wants to do his own thing and not be all up under me or check and triple check what I'm doing and where I'm going. I'd be complaining if he was. I'm not saying that I'm use to getting my way it's just that when you date random folks you get so use to just doing what you want...coming and going..spending time with those that you want to spend time with. When you call or they call you hang out..that's how it is.
So I'm working on me and praying that I don't lose out on what's for me becuase I'm so stuck on wanting things my way. Sad that I want what I want when I want it...and the funny part is I wasn't raised that way and I don't even come off that way. I just tend to get like that when I date someone and that's sad LOL. I guess it's fear that they will find something else or someone to entertain them more than I can....a lil insecurity if that's what you wanna call it. But Hun has been around since the end of October/beginning of Nov and it's been good since the beginninig. No surprises or anything so why am I trying to make something so small into something so huge that could ruin a wonderful relationship. I'm not going to do it. Personally I think it's the Devil..working on my last nerve trying to ruin my happiness and I worked too hard to get this far and let him take what I got LOL
Glad I stopped all this before it became a downward spin into some serious issues :)