Life through my eyes......

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Self Evaluation

Last night after the Hun and I had a discussion I realized something about myself....I'm selfish. Not so much that others notice it but selfish enough so that I know it and try to check myself. In fact I'm rather stubborn as well..this I've been told by many people and I will admit to it at any given moment.

The discussion last night was about us going to my parents house. The original plan was to go Easter weekend (spend sat night and leave sun sometime after dinner) however my parents will be out of town so I suggested we go this weekend (just for a day..saturday or sunday)....nothing was set in stone but it was up in the air. I will admit that I thought it was a done deal, that's just how I am..if someone doesn't say no right away and in the upcoming days there is nothing to's going down.

Well he doesn't want to go, ok not that he doesn't want to go he just has other things that he needs to do. First he was like well my boss wants me to work on Saturday and I'm like aight do what you need the money, make it happen. Then he says we could go one Sunday and that's exactly the thought I had..then he said but I don't know if I could sit through church....I kinda figured that. For the most part I'm the one who has spent most of thier life in church so it's second nature to go to me. In fact sometimes I crave it, I feel a certain peace when i go..especially if I haven't been in a while. I can't fault him for not attending church as much as I did when I was younger and even know I'll occassionally go (I tend to be lazy about getting excuse though I know lol) but I have always said that I want my children to attend church to a certain extent. So of course the first thought that pops into my head is, well this church this like a second life to mom is a preacher, my dad is a deacon..I have cousins who started a get where i'm going with this. You can't know me and not go to church at least once with me.

Then he says I'm not going anywhere so I'll meet your parents soon. I'm like aight..end of discussion.....NOT. I laid down and I could not go to sleep. I don't know what it was but I tossed and turned, I even turned on the TV and I could not fall asleep. So he held me and all that and I still couldn't go to sleep. I keep moving and finally he's like what's wrong and I said I really wanted you to go and he says I knew that was on your mind....and I said but I cant make you go and I wouldn't want you to go and be mad that I made you go. Ok he says...asks me if I'm mad again and I'm not really I wasn't and I'm still not mad, but that was bothering the heck of me.

This morning as he's leaving to go home to shower for work, he says you know i'm not going anywhere for a while so we'll go down there so I can meet them. You know the original plan was for Easter weekend and I'm like I know..I'm good and I am. Then me going to the DR comes up and he says that if I was mad he would have been like it seems that when he wants to chill or whatever I get all antsy and when I wanna do something I do it. I thought about htat and asked him what he meant and he was like you know like if you wanna go home for the weekend you go...but if I wanna chill youmake it a big deal...and I was like is that how you feel and he said nah but if you were angry I'd point that out...I was like oh aight.

I'm all for us spending time fact we're only in the phase of dating and all that so we still have lives lol. If things progress and become permanent we'll be seeing enough of one another on a daily basis so this time is much needed. But that whole convo got me to thinking that I am so selfish. I didn't even stop to think that he might have wanted to spend this weekend doing his own thing whatever that might be. I just assummed that he would go. I was so stuck on me that it kept me up and almost brought me to lame is that. When I thought about it this morning I was like wow girl, you are too stubborn for your own good. He's gonna be around if he's meant to be, you'll have time for all that. Why are you trying to rush it all...slow it down. Give the man his space and time.

Then of course bad Honey chimes in....well he can call me this weekend and I'm gonna be like I'm busy since he wants his own time. Boo to him...and of course that's not the way to be. I should thank God that he wants to do his own thing and not be all up under me or check and triple check what I'm doing and where I'm going. I'd be complaining if he was. I'm not saying that I'm use to getting my way it's just that when you date random folks you get so use to just doing what you want...coming and going..spending time with those that you want to spend time with. When you call or they call you hang out..that's how it is.

So I'm working on me and praying that I don't lose out on what's for me becuase I'm so stuck on wanting things my way. Sad that I want what I want when I want it...and the funny part is I wasn't raised that way and I don't even come off that way. I just tend to get like that when I date someone and that's sad LOL. I guess it's fear that they will find something else or someone to entertain them more than I can....a lil insecurity if that's what you wanna call it. But Hun has been around since the end of October/beginning of Nov and it's been good since the beginninig. No surprises or anything so why am I trying to make something so small into something so huge that could ruin a wonderful relationship. I'm not going to do it. Personally I think it's the Devil..working on my last nerve trying to ruin my happiness and I worked too hard to get this far and let him take what I got LOL

Glad I stopped all this before it became a downward spin into some serious issues :)

posted by Ms.Honey at 5:46 AM


We must constantly check ourselves. You already said it, your so used to doing what you want to do when you want to do it so when the person your dating doesn't want to do it it throws you off a tad.

It makes sense to me.

March 29, 2007  

Its sooooo good we can see our whole selves, the not so good things along with the good things. Alot of can't seem to see our own Imperfections--It's the imperfections that make us unique.

If we were all perfect we would all be the same!

Great post.

March 29, 2007  

Lady...I'm always checkin myself if I talked out loud you might think I was a homeless person LOL

Tantrum..umm I can't read you blog anymore :( I agree with what you said about all of us being fun in that

March 29, 2007  

Wow.. look at you. I thought I was the only one that talked to myself. lol. I so understand it though. We all tend to want what we want. But at what cost to anyone else?

March 29, 2007  

Deep....LOL I know I want to make sure I'm not cutting myself short and him because I'm overanalyzing but I do admit that I'm a tad bit selfish and stubborn LOL

March 29, 2007  

Pre and Beginning of relationship - a tad selfish, now just spoiled, lol

I think we all have a touch of selfishness in us. Overarching I don't see it necessarily that way because you give to so many including us. It's just a 'giving the reigns' over kinda thing.

March 29, 2007  

Yes you can Honey, I opened it back up. Come on over!

March 29, 2007  

Hi! I am a newby - Jumpin on in - I am a libra too and i also think i am selfish. Stubborn? you betcha. Stubborn is not necessarily a bad thing. My Husband doesn't do church either. So noooow, neither do I. He thinks ther is no God. I think there is, i just don't go to church becaues it creates a problem. Do you go thru this?

March 29, 2007  

so, i had a similar moment last Saturday night/Sunday morning. i was in tears b/c CO said he wanted to come over and then changed his mind.
nevermind that he was tired, i wanted my way damn it!

that little incident was very illuminating it that it really did show me how much i like to have my way. i try to come off as someone who's willing to compromise, but like you said, when it comes to relationships, insecurity creeps in and wreaks havoc!

March 29, 2007  

Pam..I def have to get use to not having my way too much LOL

Tantrum..on my way LOL

Rosie...see I don't want it to be that way, I go sometimes but we're just in the beginning of our relationship so we'll see it progresses..he thinks there is a God just doesn't like how fake some church folks are lol

Blk...yea I get like that I wanna act like I'm ok when I'm mad but tryin not to be too mad lol...I'm trying not to let it play with my mind LOL

March 29, 2007  

aren't we all a lil selfish. who doesn't want things to go their way. it's all in how you handle the situation. It's not like you threw a tentrumtantrum. You had expectations, were excited about them. Then were told it wouldn't work out the way you anticipated. You felt let down. Most would. Not to mention, you might have already told your parents he was coming. You were disappointed, it was understandable. You didn't blow up, you thought about it and came to a logical conclusion. Can't beat yourself up for how you felt. It is what it is.

March 29, 2007  

checking yourself is a sign of maturity and growth and I am glad that you did so...its ok to check yourself and learn and grow...that's what life is really all about...

it must be in the air because HE is going through the same type of steps in my life type of thing...

March 29, 2007  

good job both of you on not making this into a HUGE "thing". You were right on the money about "making something so small into something so huge that it could ruin a wonderful relationship". Every time I pass by here you seem pretty pleased with how things are going so it seems like you are on the right track with your analysis.

March 29, 2007  

Honey we're all a tad bit selfish and stubborn. I'm glad as well you didnt make a big thing about it, it's all to the "to the left to the left" although I know you wanted to say it LOL

@ Honey

I do the lil dance while I say "I'm so Cold" I a lame or what?!

I'm not washing not a butt cheek if I go to jail damn that LOL

March 29, 2007  

Someone...I'm trying not to but you know how that goes

TC..I'm glad I checked myself cause it could have been horrible

GC..Aww thanks

Tenacious...LOL I was on the verge of being like get out but that would have been petty LOL ummm no the dance LOL ahhh lol then again I always walk it out or try to when I hear the song LOL hahaha..if you don't wash you can bet that no one will touch you then :)

March 29, 2007  

awwww, sweetie-pie! it's okay. this is normal! in a perfect world, we'd all have everything our way! that's jus the truth! i mean think about it... who wouldn't want shit to go exactly the way they wanted it ALL THE TIME??? if someone says, "i wouldn't!" trust, they are lyin'!! (LOL)

we all have character flaws that need special attention when we are attempting to intertwine our world and lives with that of another person. but it's good that you can step outside of the situation and recognize it. that's maturity! this relationship is "growing you"!! jus relax. you'll be fine! i promise!

peace, love and BIG hugs!!

March 29, 2007  

Wow...Thats some introspection. Glad you had that battle in your head and not with HUN..cause if you did Paradise would have come tumbling down shortly after.

Oh sorry How ya been HONEY-LIBRA!!!

March 29, 2007  

at the end of the day

my wants, my needs, my desires
my hang-ups, my pitfalls, my fires
my goods, my bads, my views
at the end of the day, i choose

my rights, my wrongs, my lessons
my deeds, my sins, my transgressions
my path, my way, my ride
at the end of the day, i decide

my family, my church, my man
my weekend, my holiday, my plan
my toss, my turn, my potential weep
at the end of the day, i sleep

i wake, i think, i self-check
at the end of the day, i reflect

-- / tellyserone
for honey-libra

March 29, 2007  

JB..I know big sis I just felt so bad that I let it get to me like that...being in this whole thing has truely made me look at myself wayyy more

MrSlish...I'm growing up is that what it is LOL...heeeyyyy :) already know what i think of this :)

March 29, 2007  

We all need to check ourselves sometimes to make sure that we don't turn sunshine into thunderstorms. It really is a sign of how much you care for him that you're able to take a step back and work on yourself.

Time apart is always a good thing. I'm trying to get my Hunny to realize that I'm not going anywhere, so he can back up off me a little bit LOL.

March 29, 2007  

Tasha...Yea I'm glad that I can take the time to check myself before I say something that can create damage after being said. Yes time apart is good, I'll miss him but then again I miss him all the time LOL

March 30, 2007  

doesn't the self-sabotage drive you insane? i have to talk myself off of ledges too much for comfort. and over nothing. i pick fights. i hate it. i usually try to feel it coming and head it off before i make it an issue w/him.

March 31, 2007  

I, too, am glad you worked that out and checked yourself. Sometimes we ruin things by moving too fast and not letting things take their course.

Hi Honey!!!! *wavin'*

April 01, 2007  

I think it's natural to be selfish and also ok to be a little insecure just don't let it ruin a good thing you have going.

**It's a good idea to pray about it :)**

April 02, 2007  

If there is one thing I know from experience it's that you have to give a man the flexibility he needs to be a man. By that I is important for him to have his freedom to do the things he enjoys and Not to always have to do those things with you. In fact I'd argue that this is an important part of having a healthy relationship. If you can, plan weekend activities that dont include him, hang out with your friends or have a quiet evening at home to just reenergize. That time apart will make you more focused when you do spend time together and a little absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder!!!

One last thing...about him meeting your parents. This is an area that you need to be extremely cautious about. If a man feels like he is being pressured in this area he'll likely start to become uncomfortable. Pace is important for guys and certain things need to happen at a slow and steady pace. I would let him decide when he is ready to go with me to meet my parents. When you are going home let him know he can join you whenever but dont make it a requirement and dont make him feel bad when he doesn't go. Your falling back and giving him the time he needs to feel comfortable in that area will not go unnoticed and eventually he'll see your not trippin about it and be more comfortable with it. Men don't like to think they're being made to do something before they are ready...

Just a little advice you can take or leave. He seems like a great guy...don't chase him away!

April 02, 2007  

Funny, I'm having some of these same feelings. Sometimes I give of myself too easily. Yet, I'm selfish sometimes. I can't get a good balance these days. Good post.

April 02, 2007  

I can be selfish at times too.

It's good that you give yourself a reality check though. I need to take heed and learn that skill myself.

Great post.

April 03, 2007  

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