Life through my eyes......
Monday, March 12, 2007
Venting
Let me start by saying that I need to vent..something terrible and I don't do it too much on here cause I just don't but I just need to clear some stuff out my head so it might be long it might be short..I don't know.
I also want to say that I am having a wonderful time being with and getting to know my sweetie. He is a wonderful man who surprises me each and every time I spend time with him...with that being said I'm trying sooo hard NOT to analyze or over analyze somethings that he says...perhaps me doing so speaks volumes about me being insecure.
He came over this weekend, Sat to be exact (I hung out with the girls on Friday night..he was suppose to come over but I feel asleep and didn't answer my phone when he called..it was on silent)..anywho he came over and we were conversing and what not about some of nothing. When we got on the topic of how he likes dark skin girls..now anyone that has seen me or better yet anyone that knows what Honey looks like (real honey not me lol) knows that it's not dark...I'm light skin...sort of a caramel color I like to call it lol...so I'm like well if that's what you're attracted to why are you talking ot me...he of course was just like well you're cool folks and all that other stuff I'm like oh aight gotcha...moving along we continue to talk and I asked him what he thought of me when he first saw me.....cause we corressponded via email then we met up....he said he thought I looked better in my pics..I was like which one (cause I've heard and I agree that I look diff in each pic i take as I'm sure alot of you do)...he said some random pic and I'm like oh ok.....and of course my lil brain gets to turning and I like well if I looked better in my pics why are you still talking to me, do you think I'm an ug mug or something and then he goes on to say that alot of his friends get caught up in looks and he thinks there should be more and I agree..I DO, but if you don't find the person you're with attractive then why be with them..I mean I dont' wanna look at a man who reminds me of James Brown/Ru Paul..I don't find them attractive. So we kept talking and I'm like well what did your roomies say about me and he was like nothing cause I don't really comment on anyone they bring and they don't either unless you know she's bad (meaning good lol)....like this puerto rican chic I use to date.....and I'm thinking oh lord great LOL.....so he says that this other chic he knows called a former gf of his a slump face..meaning she was ugly and I was like well what did she say about me (I could care less but I was curious) and he was like she hasn't seen you but I don't care what she says cause she ain't too hot herself...great.
So I'm like well dang (thinking to myself) I wonder why he's really with me, clearly he prefers dark skin girls...if I ever got fat he would leave me (I still don't know if he was jokin about that), and I look better is some of pictures that i do in person (sometimes).
Now I could be overthinking..in fact I could be wanting some negative things to happen to ignore the fact for once...I'm happy. I love having him around, I love being around him and I love just who he is. So why am I picking at everything....I mean the truth is if he didn't like me he wouldn't hang around me...almost everyday, spend his weekends with me and ask me to move in with him. WHY am I doing this to myself? Do I just love questioning every thing that comes along. If Im so happy why am I trying to read between the lines when there is nothing to read between. He's always been straightforward with EVERYTHING...that's what I like about him...he doesn't cut cards he just puts it out there. So I know that ok he prefers dark skin girls but clearly he's with me for other reasons......we've even talked about how things would be if we ever got married and had kids....so I know this isn't just some fly by night thing....why can't I stop questioning.
We went to the mall (Tysons Corner) just cause we wanted to get out the house and I was fine after that....he asked me before I left was I mad...of course not but that doesn't mean that my lil brain wasn't working a mile a minute LOL. Before we left we were laughing and joking and playing around and I grabbed him and told him that if he wanted me to let him go he had to say that he missed me.....as we all know men are not too keen on saying how they feel LOL..and me being me I just am..I tell him all the time that I missed him, can't wait to see him, think about him (no I'm not anal about it I just make it known that I more than like but not love him lol) so he doesn't say it, and I mean we are laughing and I'm tickling him and he is just not having it...so I let him go...he senses that I'm mad and I'm like nah I'm good and he says you know I miss you, I just don't like saying it.....this I know but once again my lil brain is working overtime....I wonder how he feels about you, does he see this going further than the summer...blah blah blah and by this time I'm sick of my ownself and telling myself to shut up...just be happy just hug him and just BE. We head to the mall, he buys some dress shoes (I call his other ones deacon shoes LOL) they're stacey adams..I love a man in some nice clothing lol....we walk around and all that jazz....he occassionaly puts his arm around me..walks with me into womens' stores (wet seal, forever 21,etc) tells me to step away from the shoes LOL (I saw some HOT ones in Bakers I will be going to get them on Sat lol) but I just enjoyed chilling and being around him...so why am I looking for stuff to fuss or grip about.
Last night he came over and brought some chicken and rice. He fried the chicken, I cooked the rice and vegetables....we watched tv and went to bed. See he is such a sweetie, bringing over dinner and cooking it. He was on the phone with one of his boys sayin I'm in the kitchen she need to get in here...his boy said we sounded like we were married already....we talked about exs and all that stuff, how each of us would feel if the other hung out with an ex...I occassionally do when I go home...he's on my friends list on myspace...but he's more like a brother to me now, we dated off and on till I was a senior in high school....but when I hang out with him it's usually with other folks like my lil brother and sisters...so it's not like we'll ever be together LOL...the hun knows this but I wanted him to know. We've decided that he's going home with me for Easter..we just don't know if we're going down Sat or sun morning and coming right back. His mom wants to know when she is going to meet me.....
I should know how he feels about me when he hugs me..when he brings dinner over and cooks it, when I catch him staring at me and I ask what (sometimes I'm wondering what does he see when he looks at me, I wonder is something wrong with me)...I should know when he plays in my locs or caresses my back...but I can't help it, I can't punish him for what others have done and I'm trying not to, but I can't help but wonder if I open up my heart again that it will get crushed and worse because I might have been able to stop myself from loving him so soon...but I'm always telling myself and others that you cant punish others and life is about loving....you can't experience true love if you've never been hurt and you can't appreciate love if you've never had anything to compare it to.....you can't really thank God for such a wonderful blessing in the gift of this person who you think completes you if you've never asked God to rid your life of another horrible person LOL..you get what I'm saying...I've been hurt so much and I should be thanking God for what he's sent me and I do, but I still wonder...on top of that I was talking to my mom last night and she was saying that I should check out this church that someone we know goes to cause you never know my husband might be right in there waiting for me....well that's nice but what if I think I've already found him...how do I know..and on top of that I wonder how my parents are going to react to him. I mean my moms a minister and my dads a deacon so you can only imagine what that's been like....I hope he doesn't curse around them LOL...I hope he doesnt' spew rap lyrics and of course they'll ask him if he goes to church and he'll say no LOL and I'll feel like falling into a black hole.....see here I go again...errrrr
I'm trying to just be......happy in the moment, happy at the place I'm at right now...but I can't help over thinking and it's killing me. He's a wonderful man and each time I look at him I remember that and try to ignore the fact that he curses a lil more than I like, or doesn't go to church on the regular (but neither do I so why the heck am I pressed lol)...I have a wonderful man and I need to slap myself occassionally for overthinking EVERYTHING.
posted@10:04am
I also want to say that I am having a wonderful time being with and getting to know my sweetie. He is a wonderful man who surprises me each and every time I spend time with him...with that being said I'm trying sooo hard NOT to analyze or over analyze somethings that he says...perhaps me doing so speaks volumes about me being insecure.
He came over this weekend, Sat to be exact (I hung out with the girls on Friday night..he was suppose to come over but I feel asleep and didn't answer my phone when he called..it was on silent)..anywho he came over and we were conversing and what not about some of nothing. When we got on the topic of how he likes dark skin girls..now anyone that has seen me or better yet anyone that knows what Honey looks like (real honey not me lol) knows that it's not dark...I'm light skin...sort of a caramel color I like to call it lol...so I'm like well if that's what you're attracted to why are you talking ot me...he of course was just like well you're cool folks and all that other stuff I'm like oh aight gotcha...moving along we continue to talk and I asked him what he thought of me when he first saw me.....cause we corressponded via email then we met up....he said he thought I looked better in my pics..I was like which one (cause I've heard and I agree that I look diff in each pic i take as I'm sure alot of you do)...he said some random pic and I'm like oh ok.....and of course my lil brain gets to turning and I like well if I looked better in my pics why are you still talking to me, do you think I'm an ug mug or something and then he goes on to say that alot of his friends get caught up in looks and he thinks there should be more and I agree..I DO, but if you don't find the person you're with attractive then why be with them..I mean I dont' wanna look at a man who reminds me of James Brown/Ru Paul..I don't find them attractive. So we kept talking and I'm like well what did your roomies say about me and he was like nothing cause I don't really comment on anyone they bring and they don't either unless you know she's bad (meaning good lol)....like this puerto rican chic I use to date.....and I'm thinking oh lord great LOL.....so he says that this other chic he knows called a former gf of his a slump face..meaning she was ugly and I was like well what did she say about me (I could care less but I was curious) and he was like she hasn't seen you but I don't care what she says cause she ain't too hot herself...great.
So I'm like well dang (thinking to myself) I wonder why he's really with me, clearly he prefers dark skin girls...if I ever got fat he would leave me (I still don't know if he was jokin about that), and I look better is some of pictures that i do in person (sometimes).
Now I could be overthinking..in fact I could be wanting some negative things to happen to ignore the fact for once...I'm happy. I love having him around, I love being around him and I love just who he is. So why am I picking at everything....I mean the truth is if he didn't like me he wouldn't hang around me...almost everyday, spend his weekends with me and ask me to move in with him. WHY am I doing this to myself? Do I just love questioning every thing that comes along. If Im so happy why am I trying to read between the lines when there is nothing to read between. He's always been straightforward with EVERYTHING...that's what I like about him...he doesn't cut cards he just puts it out there. So I know that ok he prefers dark skin girls but clearly he's with me for other reasons......we've even talked about how things would be if we ever got married and had kids....so I know this isn't just some fly by night thing....why can't I stop questioning.
We went to the mall (Tysons Corner) just cause we wanted to get out the house and I was fine after that....he asked me before I left was I mad...of course not but that doesn't mean that my lil brain wasn't working a mile a minute LOL. Before we left we were laughing and joking and playing around and I grabbed him and told him that if he wanted me to let him go he had to say that he missed me.....as we all know men are not too keen on saying how they feel LOL..and me being me I just am..I tell him all the time that I missed him, can't wait to see him, think about him (no I'm not anal about it I just make it known that I more than like but not love him lol) so he doesn't say it, and I mean we are laughing and I'm tickling him and he is just not having it...so I let him go...he senses that I'm mad and I'm like nah I'm good and he says you know I miss you, I just don't like saying it.....this I know but once again my lil brain is working overtime....I wonder how he feels about you, does he see this going further than the summer...blah blah blah and by this time I'm sick of my ownself and telling myself to shut up...just be happy just hug him and just BE. We head to the mall, he buys some dress shoes (I call his other ones deacon shoes LOL) they're stacey adams..I love a man in some nice clothing lol....we walk around and all that jazz....he occassionaly puts his arm around me..walks with me into womens' stores (wet seal, forever 21,etc) tells me to step away from the shoes LOL (I saw some HOT ones in Bakers I will be going to get them on Sat lol) but I just enjoyed chilling and being around him...so why am I looking for stuff to fuss or grip about.
Last night he came over and brought some chicken and rice. He fried the chicken, I cooked the rice and vegetables....we watched tv and went to bed. See he is such a sweetie, bringing over dinner and cooking it. He was on the phone with one of his boys sayin I'm in the kitchen she need to get in here...his boy said we sounded like we were married already....we talked about exs and all that stuff, how each of us would feel if the other hung out with an ex...I occassionally do when I go home...he's on my friends list on myspace...but he's more like a brother to me now, we dated off and on till I was a senior in high school....but when I hang out with him it's usually with other folks like my lil brother and sisters...so it's not like we'll ever be together LOL...the hun knows this but I wanted him to know. We've decided that he's going home with me for Easter..we just don't know if we're going down Sat or sun morning and coming right back. His mom wants to know when she is going to meet me.....
I should know how he feels about me when he hugs me..when he brings dinner over and cooks it, when I catch him staring at me and I ask what (sometimes I'm wondering what does he see when he looks at me, I wonder is something wrong with me)...I should know when he plays in my locs or caresses my back...but I can't help it, I can't punish him for what others have done and I'm trying not to, but I can't help but wonder if I open up my heart again that it will get crushed and worse because I might have been able to stop myself from loving him so soon...but I'm always telling myself and others that you cant punish others and life is about loving....you can't experience true love if you've never been hurt and you can't appreciate love if you've never had anything to compare it to.....you can't really thank God for such a wonderful blessing in the gift of this person who you think completes you if you've never asked God to rid your life of another horrible person LOL..you get what I'm saying...I've been hurt so much and I should be thanking God for what he's sent me and I do, but I still wonder...on top of that I was talking to my mom last night and she was saying that I should check out this church that someone we know goes to cause you never know my husband might be right in there waiting for me....well that's nice but what if I think I've already found him...how do I know..and on top of that I wonder how my parents are going to react to him. I mean my moms a minister and my dads a deacon so you can only imagine what that's been like....I hope he doesn't curse around them LOL...I hope he doesnt' spew rap lyrics and of course they'll ask him if he goes to church and he'll say no LOL and I'll feel like falling into a black hole.....see here I go again...errrrr
I'm trying to just be......happy in the moment, happy at the place I'm at right now...but I can't help over thinking and it's killing me. He's a wonderful man and each time I look at him I remember that and try to ignore the fact that he curses a lil more than I like, or doesn't go to church on the regular (but neither do I so why the heck am I pressed lol)...I have a wonderful man and I need to slap myself occassionally for overthinking EVERYTHING.
posted@10:04am
posted by Ms.Honey at 6:39 AM
19 Comments:
Girl please don't talk yourself out of happiness. If he was blind and couldn't see what you look like at all, I'm sure he'd still be with you because you have a beautiful soul.
You deserve every minute of your happiness with him, so don't psyche yourself out of it.
Honey - Please don't sabatoge yourself. I haven't read your archives, I don't know you, I don't know your past - but I do know what I've read and in every post you always sound so happy and content. Don't pick at your relationship, especially being as happy as you are.
My current boyfriend normally dated darker chics too, cuss at that time that's what he "prefered". We met online, chatted in emails, the pictures I had posted - he told me at one time he couldn't tell if they were all me or a bunch of random girls. He decided he wanted to meet me, liked how I looked, got to know me, liked my personality and now almost 3 years later we're still together. Did I mention I'm more of a light tan? Preferances can change.
Your guy is still with you because he likes the whole package. It's not always how someone looks. You sound like you're fun, have a great personality, etc...and if I can pick up on that through how you write, imagine what he sees in you when you two hang out. Peoples likes and dislikes change - we're always evolving. Don't worry about what he used to like. He likes what he sees now.
Seriously. Don't sabatoge your relationship. Continue to enjoy being together and have some fun with it.
Enjoy him. Live in the moment.
It's okay to think. Heck it's natural. It's how we protect ourselves. But don't allow your insecurities to mess up a good thing.
Learn all that you can about him and use that to your advantage. He will show you what you need to know. If there is cause for alarm, you will see the warning signs. You just have to know what you want and what you are looking for. No one can be everything to you in the beginning. It's a learning process.
Give it time.
Don't talk yourself out of something you want. Preferences change Honey. I prefer big men, but that don't mean I am not going to give the ave. size brother a second look. Hun just might want to be with you for reasons much deeper than what you look like and sweetie, that is way more important! Him liking you for you vs. what you look like.
what everybody else said
amen
Tasha....I know I know LOL...I'm trying..I'm trying to just enjoy being happy
Black..Thank you
Luvin...and I do enjoy him which is why I'm so mad at myself for questioning and you're right he will show who he is...and right now I love who he is
Lady...I know, I'm trying not to...and you're right :)
GC...LOL thanks..on more nail in the coffin doesn't hurt
I concur with everyone else.
Gurl I can admit that in the beginning of me and CAUN's relationship, my eyebrow went up because I am the complete opposite of the way wife number one was until it dawned on me that yes, I am completely different and I LIKE IT. I am a new mold. So we all got 'preferences' we ain't perfect. Hell Tyrese is my number one - but I'm with CAUN and damn happy about it. :)
Pam is a nut... with that being said, I agree with everyone. Just take your time and enjoy and just go with the flow. Girl, dont talk yourself out of it. You got this Homie....
honestly.. w/ his responses to some of the topics.. my mind probably woulda been going a 100 miles a min too... but as u said.. if he didnt like u or wasnt attracted to u.. he wouldnt be w/ u...
be happy.. and if ur scared of being hurt.. just slow things down a lil bit.. but dont make urself crazy and convince urself that he doesnt want u.. cause from ur stories i seriously dont think that's the case...
Maybe your having these feelings because you feel like you are moving fast. Trust yourself and what you are feeling.
I'm going to gone head and agree with everyone else. Honey you are a wonderful person and I can see what ur doing. Dont nitpick the relationship bc ur scared ur feelings are going to get hurt so u look for little things in order to stop those feelings from forming.
i used to do that all the time and over time it did a number on me.
To me ur flawless. if u were a dude I'd do you *lol*
**hug** Chile vent it out thats what the blog is for
I almost ruined my own happiness too...by doing exactly what you are doing nit picking...like everyone else has said...STOP IT!
Just let yourself be...i am totally different from Blacks, and he is TOTALLY different from what I have dated before in the past...I don't prefer anything OTHER than someone truly loving me...but he does...or has had his preferences...
you can ONLY be YOU! Obviously, there is something TOTALLY ABOUT YOU that makes HIM want to be with YOU! Let his actions speak...don't get caught up in the words or what he doesn't say...
If he didn't want to be with YOU he wouldn't have taken the next step...remember he said it to YOU...something he wouldn't have done if he didn't want to be with you...
YOU are worthy of having a GOOD guy...and he might not be everything you want or your parents want for you but everything you ever NEEDED...I am sure he will be totally respectful around your parents and you all will be just fine!
Just take it one day at a time, don't think about it too much and just allow yourself to be happy! its really OK to be HAPPY!
OK, OK....
now, big hugssss..and its almost time to get off...
Relax yourself and let your conscious be free. He obviously is attracted to you. He does not seem to be the most eloquent with his words but his actions are clear enough. He really cares about you. DONT WORRY!!!
i think it's natural to question some of the things he said. as women. hell, as ppl in general, our physical appearance is sooo important. so much hinges on it. so, i think you're actually ok with the questioning.
BUT i don't think you should dwell on it. like you (and everyone else) said, you're happy, he's happy and right now, and ya'll are in a good place.
Girl I so feel you. I've been told I over think things. He may not say what he feels. But at least you have actions. Alot of guys say a whole bunch of stuff but their actions do not come in line with their words. I won't say sit blindly by, but don't question everything. Consider them mental notes. You can't help how you feel, but you can control how you react. :)
Hey there I just wanted to add my opinion - even though everyone said it all - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just sit back and chill, and enjoy the good times you have with him. Regardless of what he says he likes he is with you giving you all the love and attention us females (light skin, OR black skin)deserves.
I understand you may have been hurt in the past and I know from experience we want to heed to any type of warning signs so we can get prepare for the fallout - we look at that so hard we blind ourselves from the positive.
Not to say to ignore it but just keep his comment in your mental roledex, file it, then move on to your home-cooked dinners. LORD KNOWS I need to find me a man who can cook more than a PB & J sandwich right now.
Anywho hope you got something from my rambling - take care!
Peace,
Danielle
I think you should take this slow...and yeah that is shocking advice coming from me but you're young...relax. Don't worry about future events that haven't happened yet. And P.S BOYS SAY STUPID SHIT....THAT'S HOW THEY'RE WIRED!
Actions will speak louder than words.
I think as women we tend to over think everything.... just relax... and let what is meant to be..just be.
As for your parents, hopefully they can understand that it isn't up to them who you choose, they don't have to approve but I do hope they respect your options...
I know my mom doesn't like every guy I've talked to but she will never tell me that, cause she always feels it isn't her choice to unless I ask her.
I think you should enjoy the ride and don't worry about if it will end or if it is close to the end...
good luck, I wish the best for the both of you together. :)
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