Life through my eyes......
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Pen touching paper
Anyone that knows me knows that I love to write as well as read. Ever since I can remember I've loved going to the library, writing poetry and writing in my journal. I even wrote a lil book when i was in elementary school and it was taken onto a city wide competition...I need to find that book, I'm sure it's marred beyond recognition now haha.
In school English was easily my favorite subject. I could be given an assignment and crank it out A status the night before it was due, this of course made all my college friends jealous...how could Honey do that and I got recruited in helping others write their papers, which didnt matter to me since I loved anything that had to do with writing. I've heard that I'm creative and have a wild imagination. I thought about writing a book perhaps one day....maybe something to read to my children when they enter this crazy world but for right now I'll write in my journal :)
So last night I took out my journal....it's light blue covered in suede. Purchased from Barnes and Nobles in 2001 it's seen some rough time, and I didnt even write in it everyday..I did at first then I slacked off...I noticed that last night that sometimes months passed and even years between my posts.
Ya know what else I noticed last night...I'm in love with love. I mean I know I've been hurt but I just love how loving someone makes you feel. The joy you get when you see them, the pain you feel when their gone, the butterflies when you know you're going to see them, the realization that you love them but its just not meant to be and yes you're sad but you're just happy that you got to experience that lil bit of peace for ever how long it lasted.
I also noticed that once I say I've left you alone...you might dangle along but I've left you alone...you just haven't gotten the hint just yet hahaha. I laughed as I read how one ex was getting on my nerves and how much non stress I was feeling since I was no longer his girl. I talked about how my heart was broken once I realized it was over with Z and how he was all that I could even think to dream of in a guy. How my HS sweetheart claimed I was the one that got away and how I realized that we aint meant to be together but we make the best of friends.
How R is cool and how I feel about it was vaguely mentioned and I read it to him (I told him he's the first I've ever done that with) and he smiled. Since I've moved closer to him I will admit that we've been spending a lil bit more time together...so much in fact that I can count on one hand how many nights I've actually slept at my apt LOL.....I know I know but we aren't bunned up so that's why I live where I live and not with him (which will not be occuring unless we get married lol)
I also noticed that after each entry I thank God for whatever it is that he's blessed me with. No matter how sad I am I always take the time to say thank you.
All of this got me to thinking about what is going on in my life right now...trying to finish this paralegal program so I can advance and possibly move out of this area and make some serious changes....R and how I really feel about him and if I think we have a chance to make this something deeper. G who has come out of nowhere and appears to be every womans dream, by that I mean someone one who runs your bath water, lotions you down and holds you all night, etc. I dont know how to take him just yet..I mean he could be insane...tellin me he likes me this early or he could actually have some direct insight from God telling him I'm suppose to be his wife LOL...I like to think that he's just cool for right now and until God informs me of this master plan it will stay that way...but I love glimpsing into what it would be like to come home (not literally) to that every day (would I get sick of it) lol
Last night as I was reading about past happiness, past hurt and just over all joy I realized that writing heals me. I need to keep at it or I'll fall apart. Even if no one else understands me, my penned words always help me get my thoughts across. No one understands me more than me, so as I countdown to my 26th birthday I vow to take more time to put pen to paper and help myself grow.
I was informed that I won the Honesty Award......WOOHOOOO aight I digress. I'll post about that tomorrow :) I know Nikki but what can I say I wanted to write about this today :)