Life through my eyes......
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
You think too much.......
But for the sake of back trackin I will fill ya in. So I meet him during my sophmore year of college. Right at a time when I was comfortable with being single in college and mingling. I was recently deflowered lol so I was more sexually open (no not a hoe lol). So I was dating and chilling while on BP one day since I had just recently discovered it during freshmen year. I just decided that I would not meet anyone else on BP cause I met this guy who lied about how he looked in person. I had written a poem on my page since I dabble a little in that (then again these days so does everyone lol) He responded to it and we conversed from there. We talked for a month or so before we actually met in person. We met during Christmas (while I was at home on break) and after the new year decided we wanted something more from one another (yea I know it all happened so fast).
Right off the bat I knew he was different. I was me around him, corny, serious, sensitive. I didn't feel that I had to front he knew everything there was to know about me and I him. To make a long story short I think that us spending so much time together created some weirdness I mean ok I was in college and he was older so he knew that I wanted to party and I tried to tell him that I didn't. But he didnt' want me to regret wanting to party. We didn't have time to miss one another other than physically cause we were always on the phone...I knew how our conversations were going to go that's how oftern we talked (if that was different then things might have been different). He was going through family drama and felt that he was bringing it into our time together and I could see that. So we mutually came to the agreement that we needed to part ways. I was hurt of course, he was the first man (notice I said man cause i'd dated in HS) that I had brought home to meet the family and what not. So I was sad, crying wondering if I had begged a lil harder or made it a point to try to work through the issues would we still be together. My mom prayed with me and also told me that she knew that sooner or later something was going to occur to shake my foundation and this was it. She also told me that if it's meant to be it will (I got so tired of hearing that) and that it's good that we decided to party instead of tryin to make it work and failing while being married that would have created a whole new set of problems.
So after that we talked but of course it wasn't the same. We saw one another and what have you and after a valentines day of spending time with one another a couple of months after breaking up we decided that we would definately have to part and also stop the friends with benefits activity. Time passes, I date other people and so does he. His most recent ex was offended that we still talked yet she didn't understand that we both voiced that we were special to one another and would always hold a place in each other's hearts (yea I know) so anyway....we've talked through out the years and when I go home we visit and chat....never reliving the past or disrespecting the people that we were with at the time by kissing or engaging in behavior that is inappropriate. I in fact have been around him when he is getting ready for a date and we respect each other when we are the phone.
My relationship with him was so different from recent ones.....I mean a guy would come up to me and be like i'm tryin to talk to you and I'd say with a huge smile on my face I have a man and proceed on my way...not being snotty just happy and content that I had a good man. I didn't give my number out or even feel the need to. I would go out with the girls but I talked to him before I went out and called him when I got in....he didn't ask that I do it, I just did it. After him I called myself so call dating this guy who was aight in the beginning then he got weird and started acting jealous and what not. So when guys would be like do you have a man at first I was like yea then I'd be like I'm dealing with someone lol but it's almost over lol yea I know sad.
Z and I loved one another and you could tell when we were together. He knew that little things made me happy so he took it upong himself to make the small things count....for example I told him I wanted a dog and of course being in college and living on campus and then coming home on holidays it would be hard for me to have one...so being the sweetheart that he is he went and bought me a cute lil stuffed one. It's just the thought that he paid attention so much to what I said that he thought of how much that one little thing would mean to me. I admit that was immature when we met and he made me see that although I was quite mature for being 19 I still had some growing to do. I had only dealt with boys from HS and immature freshmen in college so when we got together my whole view of dating shifted and at first I didn't know how to deal with all that. Which is also a reason that we ended it. I was comfortable showing my emotions just yet because my HS boyfriend wasn't too keen on that so once I got what I had always wanted I didn't know how to deal with it at first.
With that being a month before christmas we were on the phone catching up and he said that he liked NC and what not and I asked him how was work and he said it was cool he had a new apt and I asked if he had a house warming party and he said he didn't know that many people down there so there wouldn't have really been a need (his sis and her fam live down there) He said that I was always welcome to come visit and I said well you let me know when you want me to visit and I'll make some time to come. I wanted to make sure I wasn't stepping on toes or creating anything that wasn't there..cause that's just how I am. We said we would think about it and we talked and decided that I was going down there during MLK weekend....I had found a plane ticket and what not...he then asked me could I come sooner cause he wanted to see me and he would be going to CA to visit his cousin who was going to Japan soon. So i told him I didn't know much the tickets would be around new years since that's a pretty festive time of year everything is extra expensive. So I actually found a decent ticket (below 100) and that's how me going to visit him on New years came about.
Now once that was decided of course I started to over think things. I was like what if i get down there and something happens. I mean before he lived down the street so I could hop in my car and go home and what not. This time I'll be in NC with no car lol and we will be in one another face for 3 nights and 4 days. I mean we've spent weekends together with fam and alone but it was while we were together. So I'm like aight I need to know what could or is gonna happen (I know I can't predict the future) So I called him and was like you know we still care for one another and I want to make sure that I'm not stepping on toes or making you uncomfortable by coming to visit. He was no you're good and I said I know I over think sometimes but I can control myself and I'm not saying I'm gonna pounce on you as soon as the lights go off or I get some wine in me but I want you to know that it could happen and since you know this are you prepared for what could happen. He says he can't predict what will or won't happen but he is fine with me coming or he wouldn't have asked me to come and I do know this.
Of course all my girls are like oh WOW you're going to see Z and one new years...don't psych your self up Honey-Libra cause we know how you felt about him and you tend to over react sometimes..which is very true. So I'm anxious to see him and spend time with an old friend but as a female and being a libra and being honey libra at that I wonder is there really significance to him asking me to visit. But i'm taking it for what it's worth and that's just a visit with an old friend nothing more nothing less. I haven't been on a plane since I went to Miami when I was a junior in college for an NAACP Conference so it should be fun. I'll get there Fri morning so we can have the whole weekend to chill and hang out. It should be fun I always have fun with him no matter what we do.
It's so funny cause when we broke up I couldn't see the point or the light at the end of the tunnel. However now I do...Z showed me what I wanted in a man and in a marriage. He taught me so much about myself that I can honestly say I'm much more grown up because of how we interacted with one another. I've changed and I know he has to and I wonder if decisions had been different and we had decided to stay together would we be different as we are now (be it good or bad). In after thought I realize that being apart was the best thing that could have happened and the clique is correct if we are meant to be then we will and if not then I know that he had a part of allowing the man of my dreams to come to me....because had it not been for him then I would not have known what it was like to love and be loved in returned.
So I'm going down there to celebrate the new year with a friend and trust me nothing will occur. I'm too focused on making changes and not being and allowing the same things that occurred in 2005 to happen in 2006. I might be overreacting but hey I'd rather be sure and have a set game plan so I'll know how to react when Im' tested and I know I will be...cause he still gives me butterflies (smile)
I know it's not 1999 (Prince's song) but you can party like it's 2009....be careful out there people......and know that Honey-Libra is thinking and praying for each of you (not literally thinking but praying always lol)
posted @ 12:47pm
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Back to Life...Back to Reality
I met him on my birthday during my junior year of college and right before the summer going into my senior year he joined the navy and moved to Norfolk which is about 20 min from where I'm from. Which means that I could go home and visit him and he could come home and visit me (he's from DC) so to make a long story short I didn't pressure him into establishing something with me but he did know that I liked him and what not. So this merry go round continued for a bout a year and this summer he said that he had feelings for me and wanted to be with me.....so if you know me then of course I was like finally...he is coming to his senses......EHHHH Wrong Answer.....I have come to the conclusion that he doesn't know what he wants.....beyond sleeping lol. So here is the lowdown on how I once again have to eliminate someone from this balancing act called life.
Before I went home for the holidays I talked to him and the only reason that I talked to him was because I thought he was out to sea and wanted to see if he had gotten back ok. I didn't leave a message so he calls me back and we talk. I tell him when I'm coming in town he says ok..his car will be in the shop he will come to my house to chill with the fam on sunday after work (he gets off at six) which means I would have to come get him...I said fine that's cool it's not like I haven't done it before. Tell me why I didn't hear from him till quarter to 10 that sun night....ok boo half the weekend has passed and you haven't even thought enough of me to give me a 2 min call to say happy holidays or that you were thinking of me....I mean dang. So unbeknowst to him I had brought him this nice Enyce jacket.....I returned it to prove a point. I'm not materialistic and neither did I expect a gift from him but not calling all weekend when you know I leave on Monday that is unheard of. Then you try to say your phone ain't working like it's suppose to...mind you he didn't say this it was on his voicemail...I mean dang. That's not all...I called him after I left church to tell him Merry Christmas I knew he was working so I left a message. He calls back that night and I was like how was your holiday he said nice other than work he was tired I said what are you doing he says laying down I said oh ok well you know I wanted to see you he says.....Tonight?
I was like nevermind, don't worry about it just go back to sleep I'll talk to you when I talk to you...he was like well I'm coming home on wed so I can see you then I said I'm leavin fri to go to NC so if I see you I see you if not then I won't. I said you always try to make plans with me when you come home but then you never follow through...so just call me when you have a chance free. So with that being said I will not clear my schedule for him cause he doesn't do that for me. I'm not going out of my way anymore....if you want to be with me then you are going to have to take some initiative and make it known. Cause till then I'm going to continue to date other guys cause you ain't got your self together. So he'll probably come into town on Wed and expect me to go pick him up after work and hang with him and he will be expecting a gift...to which he will get a great shock and find out that I will not be hunting him down and he will not a gift to open...once again it's not about the gift that was just the straw that broke the camels back. It's the principle..so don't comment talking about I'm materialistic lol.....cause there is so much more to it than that.
On top of that he thinks he should get kudos for spontaneously visiting me one weekend...nah boo you should do that if you think you my man....you don't get a point or a cookie for doing what the job entails you get points and cookies for doing above the call of duty...to which he hasn't done as of yet. So I told him he could keep that lil excuse and use it on someone else. So as much as it pains me to cut him loose..cause since Z he's the only guy that I've really really cared about...I have to do it to prove that I can do it.....cause he's taking advantage of the fact that I do care about him. I have no time for that. So if he calls which I doubt he will and if he does it will probably be around 11ish on wed night nearing the booty call hours...i won't be answering my phone...as a matter of fact I'll probably turn it off just so I'm not tempted to answer. I have to show myself that I have the willpower to get over him. He only does to me what I allow and I'm not allowing myself to be mistreated anymore.....as stated before my goal for 2006 is to FOCUSED and if you ain't with that then BE GONE!!!!!
Can't wait for this weekend though. Second plane ride in about 2 or 3 years and I get to see Z who I haven't seen since the summer. So it should be lots of fun and the post on the recap of the weekend should be interesting. Hope everyone had a safe holiday.....remember not to drink and drive this weekend.......
posted @ 10:39am
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
So Jamie's cd has been highly anticiapted at least by me cause I use to love when he would sing on his show (especially that song he sang to Fancy when they got married) so I listened to it and have come to the following conclusion- I would buy it if it were on sale. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be..I was expecting more hits...there were some good ones and then there were some ok ones....but there is one thing i know...he can sing (my opinion). I love that song about the storm and then there is of course unpredictable and a couple of others that I'm sure will be hits with some people.
On to Mary...aight in the words of my buddy A.G. (http://wiseandyoung.blogspot.com/2005/12/ode-to-mary-j.html) (no i have yet to learn how to link better than copying and pasting the link so if you know how then fill a sister in lol) I love me some Mary J. And her first single is so HOT that I was like aight I might have to cop this. First thing I noticed was that she is rapping (or trying to) on this album...what is up with that. I know artists are suppose to be versitle but ummm not for real Mary...what is that about? The title track was aight nothing to special glad she released be without you as the first single. I was disappointed somewhat. As usual her delievery of course is great..she sings so hard you can feel her pain and you can halfway see her facial expressions. So I probably wont' cop this one unless it's on sale or someone offers to burn their copy (I do like the song Good Woman down though--cause you can't hold a good woman down)
Aight so after all that what else can I talk about.....my toot (my 1 year old nephew) I get to see him for Christmas..which is of course great cause I haven't seen him in about 2 or 3 months can't remember and I'm missing so much. I wasn't there when he took his first step and he's probably sick of Auntie taking so many pics with her camera phone....he tends to act like he wants me to pick him up and then run the other way...a lil game we play. My god daughter olivia is spoiled probably because it's in her nature lol. She's part African and I don't mean black I mean her father is from Nigeria I think or is it Ghana....then again he gets on my nerves so I don't want to talk about him. Whenever her mom leaves the room she cries and she is getting use to me somewhat I think she is like my nephew auntie why you keep sticking that thing in my face telling me to smile. My cheeks hurt I can't smile no more lol.
Work is aight...I'm seriously ready to go home. This week is going by aight not too slow not too fast but then again this whole year has gone by fast. I mean it just seems like I bought christmas gifts and here I am again (being a procrastinator) and buying them again. I know this though....next year I'm buying most of my gifts via online and throughout the year next year. Cause this last minute stuff although cute it is and the fact that I get to hang out with my sisters and mom is also nice (since I don't get to see them too often now) has got to give.....people be fighting over toys and what not....it's not even that serious.
A month or so ago I brought Green Eyes a shirt..he said he wore it yesterday and got compliments on it. It's just a button down but it has some wild pattern that he tends to like. He said he told people that his sweetie bought it (yea aight sure don't try to psyche me up) I could care less...just glad that I can pick out nice stuff and be right in assuming that the person is gonna like it. I tend to have a good eye for fashion. He asked for a Steelers Jersey or a pair of Timbs for Christmas I said you aint' gettin no shoes cause when a girl buys a guy a pair of shoes he walks out of her life.....I know silly but it's happened. I doubt I will get him either and I told him that so he might get a nice lil button up and some work pants or what not but no shoes..we'll see how I feel when I go shopping. He will probably get nothing but a card that says Happy Holidays do better next year (lol).
I'm thinking of getting a gift for Z since I'm spending New years with him..he moved to NC and into a new apt so it will really be a house warming gift...which will mean it's some towels or something...you know things rarely match in a mans bathroom so that will be a welcoming effect. I'm still feeling kinda of nervous about that whole visit but the only thing that can happen now is me canceling my flight and that happening so I'll just deal with it and in the words of Kshine---dont' get too anxious about seeing him but be excited about the experience of flying since I haven't flown since I went to Miami about 2 years ago. So after the new year I will def have a nice long post..then again I might not (we'll see)
Don't know if I will write again between today and thurs I try not to write too much then I have nothing to talk about. So if I don't then Happy Holidays to everyone reading...be safe and careful out there. See ya after Christmas!!!!!!!
posted @ 1:29pm
Monday, December 19, 2005
DJ Honey on the 1's and 2's
We find a good parking spot and are harassed by these kids talking about we'll watch your car while you in the club and I'm like ain't it past your bed time (of course I'm thinkin this cause the same kids that say they watchin your car will vandalise it as soon as you clear the corner) So I said sorry I dont' have any change and kept on moving towards the door. Then some homeless man was asking us if we had passes to get in for free and I'm thinking boo I wouldn't even be here this early if I didn't (lol) so he was like I'll give ya'll some passes for X amount of dollars and one of my girls was like how we gonna pay him for a pass when I can print it out at work for free..which is very true. Then again I was like how did he get access to a printer more less a printer....and on top of that it was smelling like fish for real for real. I don't know what it is about that area but burn some Christmas trees or something cause WOW they be trying to kill you while you standing in line for the club.
After being traumatized(of course I'm exaggerating) me and the girls make our way to the bar and order some drinks..you know I'm ready to party cause I bought my plane ticket to go to NC for New Years and I have the next two fridays off with 3 day work weeks so I'm bout to do some damage for real. Out the corner of my eye I spot some people we went to school with so we shoot the breeze for a second and catch up. People commented on how I have twists and of course they asked me what made me want to do the natural thing....what can I say I've tried everything else might as well try this. My first drink was Tom Collins which was pretty good...I didnt' want to get too torn up as soon as I got in the club..I hate to see people at about 10pm falling all over their friends and half asleep cause they didn't know how to space their drinks over a 2-3 hour period. So we drinking and we start dancing and what not. They playin my songs (I be on that KRYPTONITE, DIAMONDS ON MY NECK) and please believe the alcholo is making me hype lol. So let's just say that night was a BLAST!!! To make things even better I met a cutie and we chilled yesterday..watching movies and what not.....he lives in MD.
I've been bad....Green Eyes came over. I know why do I even bother....I know it's not his eyes (so what could it be..wink) so he came over after he was out with his boys and left around 11 cause he was takin his mom out for her bday. Me and the roomie went to brunch at this place down the street who has the bomb French Toast..I mean better than IHOP...then back to the house and I was passed out till about 3pm on the dot. Then I got up and called myself trying to shovel the ice off the steps. I was out there with my lil hammer banging on the ice making it crack and what not. I created somewhat of a path so me and the roomies wouldn't kill ourselves trying to get into the house...we get enough of that since the porch light has blown out. So I'm banging on the steps trying to do somewhat of a good job of not throwing ice in my face...and I get some of it done enough that we won't kill ourselves...so great
Sunday I went to hang with Kshine. She was still trying to shop for her boo and I tagged along, bought something for my god daughter olivia who will be 10 months (boy does the time fly) and my nephew who is one and is wearing a 2 T....he gonna make his auntie some money (lol)..he already be trying to throw the football..of course he doesn't know the concept but I'm sure he will get the hang of it pretty soon. Ended up going to this gourmet grocery store called wegmans..kshine wanted me to know how fun it was lol. To be honest it was kinda nice if you got past the bougious side of it. It kinda felt like a street market on the side we were on and I liked that. They had all these lil stations set up for pastries and cookies and they even had a lil cafeteria in there. I was diggin it...kshine (not her real name lol) be puttin me on to lots of good stuff...like the internationl grocery store. Man their meat in there is cheaper than the regular grocery store and so is their fruit. A pineapple in Giant was 3.99 and in the international store it was 1.99.....yea that's a lot when you tryin to conserve money especially around these times.
Ended up coming home and cooking dinner then the date came over and we watched Crash and 40-year old virgin.....which wasn't as funny as I though but it was aight. Then I passed out and went to sleep and here I am now writing this in the blog....I'm so ready for this week to be over and in 3 more days it will be...YES
posted @ 3:12pm
Friday, December 16, 2005
The plans for New Years have been set in stone. I talked to the ex last night and instead of me coming in the middle of January for Martin Luthur King weekend....I'll be celebrating New Years in North Carolina. Is what they say about celebrating the new year with someone mean that you will spend the rest of the year with them....hmm not really...lol. I love him dearly but I don't think our time is coming and I'm fine with that. He's a sweetie and we get a long great so I'm looking forward to having a blast with him and he said he's anxious to see me since he hasn't seen me since the summer which is of course weird for us cause even though we aren't together when I go home to the Tidewater area I always make it a point to stop by and say hi to him....and yes both of us have gotten grips from ex's about still talking and seeing one another. What can I say...we're great friends and that's all not benefits or nothing like that.
So I'm hype, sippin on some kryptonite...not for real cause I'm at work, but in my mind I'm jumping up and down and dancing around. If I did all that at work they would probably ask me to leave then again knowing them they would just be like aight sit down and get back to work lol. These fools don't play. It snowed earlier this week and they were like call the emergency number to see if we will still be open. Why me being me called the number and they were like we will be open today if you would like to use a personal day due to your children being out or unsafe conditions then please feel free to do so just let your supervisor know. Now come on I ain't using my personal day for some snow then again I aint' tryin to kill myself coming to work..so I called my bosses and told them I might be late...turns out I wasn't late lol well unless you consider 5 min late and I don't.
We will see what the weekend has to offer, if today is any forewarning of how this weekend will be then that means it's gonna be on and POPPIN!! So be safe out there in the blog and real world...cause people can be crazy when they've been in the house for the last two weekend (hence people like me going crazy at the bar) LOL
posted @ 11:21am
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Stop and Smell the Christmas Trees
Of course I miss my buddy but hey she has chosen to choose her man over a friend, so what can I do? I'm not gonna chase her down, we are not in elementary school where we have to fight to make someone our friend....
Anyway I'm on the metro this morning and this chinese man get one and says excuse me good morning and busts out singing a christmas carol (at first I was like what!!!) then I was like aww this lil man is taken time out to brighten my day by singing (even though it took me a while to understand him) I felt so much better sitting there and listening to him sing about happiness and I began to feel the Christmas spirit.
The last couple of days have taught me that you can choose to be happy or choose to succumb to the evils of unhappiness and feelings of low self-esteem. So in the DC area it's been snowing and they have issued a winter warning for this evening. Me and the girls have planned to go out tomorrow and I hope that it doesn't snow or ice up too much as to where we can't go.
In other news the Green Eyed One called last night and left 3 messages on my phone and the 4th time he called I finally answered to be honest I had gone my jobs Christmas party with my room mate and had passed the heck out. Drinking wine and a cosmo didn't help me staying awake either. He says I been calling you why didn't you answer your phone (I always answer my phone....it wakes me up when I'm sleep so if I don't then it means I'm hurt or either passed the heck out in the bed) anyway..I said nah i'm here I was just sleep he said I wanted to make sure you got home ok...I was like yea I'm good then he asks me if I was bunned up and I was like what..he said you got someone over there (I'm thinking boo you messed up why you worried about if someone else is over here) he says you just sound different...I said that's cause I was sleep I mean how else am I suppose to sound he was like yea I hear you talking I was like listen I don't have time for games or to play them with you so say what you got to say so I can be on my way...he was like aight well i'm going back to sleep and I said aight bye...and left it at that and to be honest it felt great not to lose sleep over him.
I have chosen to not let the small stuff sweat me....2006 is gonna be a great year, cause I'm gonna make it one.
Happy Holidays everyone...may God bless you and yours!!!!!
posted @ 11:14am
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
How many of us have them....friends. Yea that song has been going through my head for the last couple of days cause sooner or later crap is gonna hit the fan. One of the reasons I think I'm a good friend is because I don't tell you what to do or what you shouldn't do..I give you my opinion cause it's just that my opinion it's not gospel. If you want to go out and do whatever at least you know that I told you what I think as your friend. Even friends will say things that you dont like at least you know they aren't lying to you. I mean who wants to hear lies all the time....the truth hurts.
So aight I have this good friend who I love dearly. I mean she is my roll dawg..I would ride or die for her she is as much my fam as my sisters are. She's been dealing with this guy for a while and she came to me with an issue. I'm not gonna get into it cause her business is that just that her business. But anyway I told her what I thought about it and also told her that it was just my opinon, she should take time to think about making a futher decision and even pray about it.
Why this chic comes to me yesterday asking me who did I tell about her business..I said no one. Do you have a reason to think so and she was like no i just figured since you told me about someone else and their man I figured you would tell them about me and mines (the person she is speaking of is also a good friend who told all of us about her issues with her manipulative, crazy boyfriend so it was no secret). I said no I didn't then she said have you ever told anyone about what's going on? I informed her that during our college years she knew all of us said how we felt about her man treating her bad and what have you...she knew all this and her man knew it cause we told him..she's like well I'm talking about now. I said boo you said ever, and besides that I don't have time to create a newsletter on what is going on with you and your man. I have my own issues. I asked her that I was trying to clarify what she was saying and she said are you trying to clarify for me or you.....now you know Honey don't fight unless it's with the siblings and we ain't had a good fight since I was in middle school. But at that moment I felt like jumpin throught the comp and dragging her pretty lil hair all over her office.
This girl has the nerve to say well you didn't like him from the beginning. I said boo I didn't even know you and him when you all first got together, so what are you talking about. If you come to me and all you have is negative to say about him then that's what I'm gonna think...but you have told me some good stuff about him and I've seen some good stuff about him (how ever minimal it might be) so I said do you..then she says I know you wanted it to be over didn't you when I told you what was going on...I said as your friend I prayed that you would make up your own mind and not listen to other people..that's what I did.
Her attack on me made me rethink how we are supposedly friends. I mean what kind of person do you think I am if you think I'm gonna sit around and be vindictive enough to think of ways to break you and your man up. WOW not for real. I would be a total loser if I did that not to mention having a problem with my own self esteem. So since I vented to moms for a second and she told me to take a step back and pray for clarity. I don't want to say something that I will regret 5 years from now cause she is my girl. But to think that she would even dare think I'm plotting on her and her man...that hurts. I clearly told her I didn't hate him as a person...hate is too strong in this world already. I just didn't like the way he treated her and if he made it up in his mind to treat her better then great...I love black men that love their black women....do you.
I have since told her that I needed some time to think cause what she said was hurtful...she didn't answer my call so I left her a message. I will miss her for however long this takes cause I'm so use to her being there, but if she feels like she needs to be away from me then aight...she can do her. What hurts is that she even said she was working on her relationship with God and her man. I'm thinking don't put God into your mess...don't think that just cause you go to church one sunday and you pray that you all will stay together that it will work out. What you need to do is pray that God does what he needs to do to get you to where you and he need to be and that might not mean being together. Plus if you working on a relationship with him and God excuse me God and him why isn't he with you at church....yea uh huh that's a whole nother conversation.
Ah well, I'm done. I'm done being the good person and always asking what's wrong do you need anything. People take advantage of that and it's finally come to an end..somewhat cause I can't totally change who I am (smile). I will not baby you anymore..you are a grown woman and if that means I have to stop talking to one of my best friends for a while then so be it.....I'm DONE!!!!!
posted @ 11:21am
Monday, December 12, 2005
3 screen names I have:
3 physical things I like about myself:
1. My lips
2. My smile
3. my feet..especially when my toes are painted (yea weird)
3 physical things I don't like about myself:
1. my tummy (smaller than most but could be smaller)
2. my butt (could be a lil smaller)
3. want my hair to grow faster (but the locks are coming along nicely)
3 parts of my heritage:
1. african american
2. native american (so small I don't even know how small lol)
3 of my everyday essentials:
2. Body spray
3 of my favorite musicians:
1. Trinitee 5:7
2. Toni Braxton
3. Brian McKnight
3 of my favorite songs:
1. Survivor (Young Jeezy & Akon)- Yea that's what I am in this dating world
3. Be without you- Mary J....she is doing the dang on thing
3 things I want in a relationship:
3. Respect and no games (had to throw that in)
1. I'll call you back (boo just don't say you are gonna do it) and a call back is not 3 days later
2. It's all yours (lol)
3. I'm working (lol) sometimes it's not a lie
3 of my hobbies right now:
2. Dating (cause it don't seem to be nothin else)
3 things I want to do really badly now (with a special someone):
1. Snowball fight (there is snow here in DC)
2. hugs (i love those)
3. have a real intelligent, entertaining conversation
3 careers I've considered doing:
3 places I would like to go on vacation to:
2. Disney world
3 kid's names I like:
2. Kamariah (like the moon in swahili)
3. Nia (purpose in swahili)--yes I like swahili names I want my child to know I put some thought into their names lol
3 ways that I'm a stereotypical girl:
1. I love romantice movies
2. I am self-concious
3. I secretly love thinking that I've had my way
3 ways that I'm not a stereotypical girl:
1) I love play fighting
2) I love the outdoors
3) I will try anything once (well maybe anything lol)
With that being said I realized that as "Ecstacy" said you have to kiss a few frogs before you can find the prince and when I do find him I'll be able to appreciate knowing what it is in a mate that I want. So many women just marry for no other reason than they are pregnant or lonely. I refuse, I may be young but I'm old fashioned when it comes to marriage. In the words of the pussycat dolls Ima stick with you forever once I say I do..unless you turn into the devil and try to be on me then we both gonna have to be put under the jail (but I digress) and in the words of Toni Braxton ain't no body gonna love you like you are if you take whatever he brings your way and you can't demand respect with a change...so change is coming...ya betta look out!
The green eyed monster decided he wanted to call me and I gave him a good talking to. I am not 60 years old so I am not your suga momma, everyday is a struggle for me to pay my bills just like the next person. The only difference is I don't tell you about my struggle, which means I usually carry my pain alone which means I rarely cry in front of someone unless I've been stuggling with something for days.
The weeked was chill...hung around on Friday night, went to a party Sat night and church and laundry (yes I know I'm not suppose to work on Sun) on Sun. In between all that I changed my room around and actually got some really good sleep..hung out with K-shine who is strangly becoming one of my favorite people to be around. Although she and I are totally different she's always been there for me and it surprises me how much we are alike..yea we still argue like sisters but that's my girl..she is too funny. Had me helping her wrap her "husbands" gifts for his birthday I tell ya..I told her to make sure she told him that my well worn, ashy hands helped with the presentation (lol, no my hands aren't really ashy)
I've also found out that a very close friend of mine is going through some serious issues. When I say issues I mean that I think home girl is so dependent on men that she can't go a whole 6 months without having a man. I mean you break up with one dude cause he's too possessive and you want to be alone but then not even a week later you dating someone else and you even have a promise ring (that's a whole nother issue) after you've given the other dude his back. WOW come on girl. Then on top of that you buy the new guy a ring..uh yea sure boo you just admitted to your girls that he's your man...I mean if you don't know what you are to one another why would you accept a promise ring and you talking about buying a house with him....man that's a whole nother post. I am just glad that even though I have my own issues none of mine are even close to that.....someone always has it worse than you.
The time is coming closer to my lil weekend away in NC visiting the ex. We talked last week about what we would do when I came to visit. I must say it will be weird cause this is the first time that I won't have my car and since he just moved there the other times that I've seen him I've been able to drive home or leave....I can still leave if I want to but it's gonna be weird being in his face the whole weekend....hmmm (Oh how I miss him)..that's probably half my problem lol
Navy guy is surprisingly trying to be up on his toes....he calls more and is talking about coming to my moms for dinner on the holiday if they don't have him working. You know the military..they don't care. So we shall see, K-shine told me to take it one day at a time...and that's what I'm gonna do cause after the drama I've dealt with I can't take no more. I might end up just being a cold, cold person. Then again I doubt it I love being loved and loving too much to be cold.
Aight so I've done enough rambling..this post was all over the place (hope you didn't get confused)
Posted @ 11:15am
Friday, December 09, 2005
To begin with he's a police officer who is on leave due to the fact that he was involved in a shooting and on top of that he is sueing the police department for racial issues. Aght so knowing all that and the fact that we converse about this issue since I do work at a law firm he told me that his lawyer was gonna go forward with the case.
One converstion we had he asked me to borrow a certain amount of money and to see if I can take out a loan. Being the person that I am I said aight I'll see what I can do....since i"m a caring individual and what not. Knowing that I had been in a bad relationship before and saying everything that I wanted to hear and acting how he felt he should act....I felt like I could at least see if there was something I could do no matter how minimal it might be.
Needlesstosay I beat around the bush and finally told him that I couldn't get it for some other reason or another. He said aight and I even asked him if he had thought of other ways to get the money he said no but he would think of something and that he would be fine. I thought it was dropped and we would move on. Well I was wrong (as I often am) So after he found out that I couldn't get it I noticed he started acting weird...not talking to me as much on IM and then noticing that he was being short.
I asked him if he had something to say and he said no, but I kept noticing that things were getting kind of funny. So finally he gives me a call at 3am and was like I got your message what's up...I was like nothing it's 3am I'm in the bed. He was like aight I was just out and I said oh ok you were drinking, he said yea I've been spending time with people who look out for me. I said that's good you should do that, you should never spend time with people who aren't down for you and trying to look out for your best interest. Then I was thinking hmmm this is going somewhere....so I said so is that why I haven't seen you. He was like yea you didn't look out for me but it's all good my lawyer is paid and I'm good. I said well I tried he said dont' even worry about it, I was like umm ok.
Then he says just know that when I get back into the force and I know how you like to party (party this is Honey Libra I don't party anymore especially to the extent where the police have to be called wow who you think this chic is) and if you see me rolling up in the parking lot don't be asking me for help cause there is bad blood between us. I'm thinking bad blood cause I tried to help you out or bad blood because I couldn't give you money and you are use to people doing what you want. So he said what he had to say, I said what I had to say he hung up and I'm in shock. Now if you know me, you know how my personality is and how caring and giving I am. So I'm blown right now that this negro would even hint to the fact that I left him stranded when as a man he should not have put me in that position anyway. He hasn't even known me for 6 months but you asking me for money...I mean dang who you think I am. You don't know my financial stuggles you just know I have a nice car and I live nice..but how I'm suffering doesn't matter to you.
So I'm frustrated as hell, which makes me not be able to sleep and also causes me to cry. Why the hell do I keep getting the losers. So I called my main squeeze when I got to work and he told me that I should let him go cause he is emotionally abusive. As a man he shouldn't have asked me to borrow money and since he did that shows that he was raised different and probably use to people giving him money. Needlesstosay he made me feel better then my mom called, and she usually calls when I need to pay a bill or when something is wrong in the fam or with someone I know. But she just called to see how I was and to talk to me, that made me break down at work. I shouldn't cry at work the last time I cried at work was in Feb when I found out my grandfather had passed away.
I realized that this whole issues was just the straw that broke there camels back..there are so many other things going on in my life this is gonna make me finally confront my demons. So I might be taking a half day to handle some things.....rent some movies or go get some drinks. It's snowing here in DC so might not be able to hit the club tonight but this weekend will be the beginning of a new thing.....this has made me realize that I really need to take time for Honey...no one else is gonna do it. I'm tired of the losers and the gold diggin men (yea they are out there)...things bout to get real ugly around here.
posted @ 10:32 am
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I was talking to my buddy AG and he mentioned that I might need to do something totally diff than what I'm doing now i.e since i like to read then I must love to write (which I do so maybe I'm gonna be some great writer) anyway he told me to write down 10 things that I liked to do, how I could do them and what's stopping me from doing them. We decided that 10 might be too many so we agreed on 7. So here goes:
7 Thing I like to do
3. Play and spend time with children
5. Go to museums
7. Spend time alone
Ways to do these things
1. Go to the library or join a book club
2. Submit something to a magazine or join a writing club if there is a such thing
3. Volunteer at a childrens home
4. Take time on weekends to volunteer (therefore accomplishing number 3)
5. Venture out to DC more
6. Go to a cooking class
7. Date myself (not the weird way lol)
Why I can't do these things
1. No reason
2. Takes too much time in other words I'm lazy
3. No reason I just have to find a good organization to volunteer with
4. Have to get up earlier once again not a bad thing but I love my sleep..then again Honey love the kids so I will sacrifice.
5. Gas is a MUTHA!!! lol then again I can do the metro thing....but that takes cash and that be going fast these days (That kinda rhymed I should be an MC lol sike)
6. Have to find one
7. Sometimes I feel too quiet when I'm alone (not a bad thing but sometimes it gets deafning)
Aight so has this given me any insight to what I'm gonna do with myself....we shall see
posted at 3:17 p.m.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Keep in on the Down Low
Well I'm on there (yea I'm at work and what, the bosses were aways so Honey must play) I am checkin out the guys that are in the age range of 26-29 just to see what is going on...of course I aint' hookin up with no one....later on that. So anyway I'm on there and I'm reading pages and I come across this guy whose name is DL _____. I'm like wow, with all the drama surrounding DL men now why would you put yourself on blast like that. Out of curiosity (yea it did kill the cat) I click on his name to read his page. He tells what he likes and all that jazz (talking bout lickin booty...ewwwww!!!!) I mean why do that you might as well eat someone's crap and I don't mean the stuff they say out of thier mouth I'm talking crap literally....anyway at the end of his page he's like notice the name so keep it quiet.
I'm like wow, he can't even own up to the fact that he is gay or bisexual. Then again who am I to judge.....I can't. To each his own. But I did wonder if he is messing with a sister out there who is in love with him, and thinks the world of him and he's doing this to her. It's fine that he isn't comfortable enough to "come out", but to involve someone else in the process is beyond questionable to me. I mean if you need to come to grips with who you are sexually, do you. Take time to sit down and evaluate. But by all means do it alone, don't confuse or hurt someone else just because you need to get off.
And believe me he didn't have this all on his page...that he was married and what not or even involved I just began to wonder all of this as I read his page. I tend to read between the lines or imagine things. What can I say I'm a creative mind and it wanders sometimes. I can only imagine how I would react if I found out that the man I loved, would ride or die for told me he was in love with a man and wanted to create a life with him. But had been sleeping with both of us at the same time.
Lord knows I would not react the way Terry did on Oprah...they probably would have had to pull me off of him and then take me back room to calm me down, cause a sister would go off. Then again why break my nails, furniture or his face when I can be calm, cool and collective and cry alone..which sad to say is what I sometimes do when confronted with problems. I play the mature one and cry later. So I don't know how I would react, the only thing I can say is that God knows what I can deal with and right now I'm hoping that it's never something like that.
But I do know that dating has become so much more serious now. I mean I'm gonna need to see your Drivers License, some references, go to your house to insure you aren't hiding a wife and kids, and also where you work....and your personal style...cause not only must we as women be on the up and up to stay on top of other women in this world but we must watch out for the man that might come along and make the one we are with realize that he is attracted to men, or would like to experiement with them.
Now trust and believe a sister has nothing against those of the alternative lifestyle..do what you do as long as you aren't trying to do it with me. To each his/her own. I just get so hurt at the fact that there are men out there (and I read in an advice column that women are doing it too) who haven't fully come into the know about who they are sexually. It's important to know what you like and what you don't like cause then I feel as if you have some grips on who you are as a person...then again it takes time for people to get to this point. But you best believe this sister will be on her p's, q's and toes all the time.
Posted at 11:41 am